Tristan Katz Creative 9/10/25 Tristan Katz Creative 9/10/25

Full Moon issue #14

Hello wonderful people,

How are you right now? Seriously. I don't know about you but I am exhausted in ways that are hard to describe. I feel we're all trying to keep going under impossible circumstances. One of the things I keep reminding myself of, though, it's that many people have kept going under impossible circumstances for as long as the so-called United States has existed as a country, especially Indigenous people and Black people, to be specific. Reminding myself of this helps me remember that the system is working exactly as it was created and designed to do, while recognizing that it's also true that the volume has been turned up in the last few months. Both/and, like so many things in life. More in my reflections below on living with uncertainty. I just wanted to take a moment to say that you're not alone if you're struggling. I keep reminding myself of this, that we're not alone and to orient myself towards acts of solidarity and liberation, and to not just notice the hate and the harm. Both/and. We're not alone. Hate can only destroy so much because eventually it runs out of things and people to annihilate. Ultimately, I truly believe that the power of our collective imagination is far greater than hate and this can only lead us to creation and liberation. Please hold yourselves and each other gently. I know I am trying to do the same (and if I owe you an email response, please text me, because part of being kind to myself has meant not overextending my work hours and time sitting in front of this computer). Keep breathing, keep loving, keep creating. I am so glad you are here, in this world full of our wonder and dreams and desire for healing and collective liberation.

Hello wonderful people,

Here's the agenda for what you will find in this email!

Reflection corner: living with uncertainty
Events and Projects
Let's support each other: fundraisers and mutual aid requests
Some things I am enjoying in my free time

May this Full Moon and recent Lunar eclipse help us shed what no longer serves us. May we feel unburdened by the past as we move fully into presence. May we keep dreaming of liberation.

Please, as always, read on and feel free to hit reply to let me know what you think, or what you'd like me to reflect on in future issues. Even when I do not manage to reply, please know I read them all eventually. Your questions, comments, and, above all, YOU are always welcome here.

Reflection corner

Living with Uncertainty

(CN: mention of suicidal ideation, domestic, and systemic violence)

For as long as I can remember, I have believed that, as Octavia Butler wisely stated in Parable of the Sower, “the only lasting truth is change” and that, as she also wrote in the same book, “God is Change”, if they are anything, because nothing is immutable, and nothing lasts forever, so how could God / Spirit / Mystery not be Change? However, change is also incredibly hard, especially for those of us who are neurodivergent and/or traumatized. Change is full of transitions, which are challenging to say the least, and also of uncertainty. I have often been drawn to philosophies and/or spiritual practices that help us be with uncertainty, because even my own life didn't seem certain for a very long time, and sometimes I still struggle with being here, if I am truly overwhelmed. Please don't worry, I am ok and I have great support around me, but I chose to write this since today is World Suicide Prevention Day and I think too many of us are going around pretending to be ok while we're not, just because it's simply not always socially acceptable, especially for those of us who are helpers, healers, teachers, therapists, spiritual leaders, parents, organizers, and so on. Somehow we're supposed to know how to do this, but here I am, in my mid-50s and, personally, I am still not sure what I am doing. However, I am still here and I know what helps, sometimes, and when those things stop working, I know how to ask for support from those around me, just like I hope they will ask for support from me when they need it. We hold each other up, finding balance in the dance between us. None of us can do this life alone because we don't know what it's going to happen or come at us at any given moment. We cannot hold all this change by ourselves but, maybe, we can hold it together.

One of the reasons why I always felt that change was the only constant was being brought up in a home where my father was incredibly loving, caring, smart, protective, and funny, as well as incredibly volatile, manipulative, and violent. I have hesitated for a long time to write about him, even though he has been dead for 22 years now, because when I do, it impacts my whole family of origin. I still felt I owed a debt of silence, but I no longer do. This is my story too. I am not going to share much about my childhood in this reflection, but I will say that part of why my life didn't feel certain was because it truly wasn't. It's a miracle I am still here in many ways. Even when the physical blows and the abuse stopped coming, the harm had been internalized and, even after all these years, it can come back to haunt me as suicidal ideation, night terrors, and intense emotional dysregulation. For many of us who have experienced harm from those closest to us, especially those who were supposed to protect and keep us safe, the current political and sociocultural climates are not helping. Every morning I wake up thinking, what will have changed (and probably for the worse) overnight? I know I am not alone in experiencing this. While life has always been uncertain, right now I feel like I am living and building my dreams on quicksand. It could all be taken away in a moment. Truth is, though, that it always can. I remember being maybe 10-11 years old and thinking, I want to live so that if I died tomorrow, I'd have few to no regrets. I am grateful that I was brought up in a culture, especially by my Sicilian maternal grandmother, my nonna, where death was not only talked about, but also celebrated through ancestral veneration and special times like “Il Giorno dei Morti” (the Day of the Dead). Death wasn't scary, it was part of life. The only thing that was certain after being born was that one day we would die. It felt oddly comforting. It still does, even though now I want to live so much more than I did forty plus years ago, and there is grief and beauty in that too. Both/and, always balancing on the cusp of uncertainty. As long as we are alive, things can change. The only problem to which there is no remedy is death, as my nonna would say. I remind myself of that too when I wake up in the morning. I resist the urge to reach for social media apps and log into my Insight Timer instead to practice being here first. Whatever happened overnight can wait because, right now, I am here and that means that change is still possible because nothing is immutable, not even this moment in history.

It all sounds a little poetic, doesn't it? The truth though is that it's exhausting and hard. I don't want to wake up to more death, more hate, more gun violence, more calls for my communities to be erased, scapegoated, harmed, deported, denied access to essential healthcare, and dehumanized. I want certainty with all my heart, even though I know it's always temporary. I see other folks reach for hope through their desire for certainty too. The desire that a change in political leadership will fix everything, when I hope that we know it's going to take more than an election, and a new leader, to move closer to our collective liberation. The desire to find the system that will enable us to survive with more ease under capitalism. The desire for the perfect morning or evening routines, for the right spiritual practice, for the key that will somehow open the portal to a life where we don't feel so besieged by the certainty of impermanence. The desire to be right, or for someone to be right and show us the way. I digress though, and I've already written how nobody is coming to save us but us in the last newsletter, so maybe I am just repeating myself right now, just with different words.

Living with uncertainty is not easy but the only alternative is far too permanent, and I am finally no longer so ready for it, like I used to when I was younger, which leaves me with the only option to learn and practice how to do it, even though dreaming of escape is understandable at times. I could share practices that help me live with uncertainty, and if y'all are curious about it, let me know and I will gladly do so. Ironically enough, however, the thing that helps me the most is to remember what I have always known, and that is that even uncertainty cannot be permanent when change is the only constant. Right now, for example, I am in a very liminal space with the capacity of my bodymind and work, but that will keep changing and shifting because nothing stays the same forever. When I cannot see what's beyond the curve in the road, if I am lucky, I will get to a point of clarity when I can view what had been there all along. I just haven't gotten there yet. So I dance with uncertainty, the both/and, the known and the unknown, the clarity and the fog, the fatigue and the energy, the pain and the relief, the grief and the joy, the anger and the peace that is always there, hiding in the eye of the storm. One day, hopefully in the very distant future, because there is so much more I want to do, I will breathe my final kiss between earth and sky, and there will be no more uncertainty in this bodymind, at least for a moment, before the winds of change sweep me back home to be part of a much larger dance of constant change. Until then, I keep being grateful that somehow I am still here, learning to live with uncertainty alongside all of you.

events and projects

Dr Sophia Graham, of Love Uncommon, and I collaborated to create an asynchronous course on Mapping Your Relationship Ecosystem. As newsletter subscribers you also get a discount if you use the code mail25 if you choose to buy the course. You can find out more and register here. If you're wondering what mapping your relationship ecosystem means, follow me on Instagram or subscribe to my YouTube channel where I just posted a brief video recorded with Sophia to explain why you might want to map your relationship ecosystem and the benefits of doing so!

Alongside some great Portland colleagues, I am organizing a week-long sex therapy training in person from November 12th-19th, 2025. There will be a Foundational SAR, co-facilitated by the wonderful Anne Mauro and I, an Advanced SAR on Trans Sex, co-facilitated with the fabulous Lucie Fielding, and a weekend of trainings, networking and community in between the two, including a Somatic Sexuality Sunday. Registration for this event is limited and is now open on our website. We still have more details to add to the website, including some more bios, photos and descriptions for workshops on Saturday and Sunday but I assure you that it's going to be an amazing week of training and networking! I hope you might join us! You can sign up for the whole week and earn up to 38-40 AASECT CEs or sign up for just parts of it. While on the West Coast, I will be doing some book events! I will be at Always Here in Portland on November 16th with Lucie Fielding and then with Lucie again for an event in Seattle at Charlie's Queer Books on November 21st, and one by myself (so far!) also in Seattle at Elliott Bay Book Company on November 24th. Links for the last two will be included in future newsletters when available.

I have started recording new episodes of my now seven-years old podcast Gender Stories and I will start releasing those later this month! Subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts not to miss new episodes, if you haven't done so already. I promise those are conversations with amazing folks and not to be missed! For example, I have had some amazing conversations with Dean Spade, Roger Kuhn, Tristan Katz, Dulcinea Alex Pitagora, and Lucie Fielding and I had so much to talk about that there will be a double episode from our conversation, and there are so many more wonderful ones to come with folks like Mel Cassidy and Oumou Sylla. Please stay tuned!

I also launched a little YouTube series called Warm Take Wednesdays with Dr Alex Iantaffi. You can watch the third episode here, or listen to it wherever you listen to podcasts! This one is on gender ideology (and how cisgenderism is harmful as the dominant gender ideology in most Western cultures).

Want me to speak about a particular topic on the new YouTube series or my old podcast, please let me know!

My process of mapping out my commitments is ongoing and dynamic, so if you want to collaborate or bring me to your community, please let me know!

Would you like me to do an event at your local, independent bookstore or hire me to speak somewhere? Please contact me directly for bookstore events or media queries, hire me through this speakers bureau for speaking events, or check out my website for more information on speaking engagements alexiantaffi.com, or email me at admin@alexiantaffi.com Thanks!

Let’s support each other!

Remember: we keep each other safe, healthy and creative!

There are some fabulous classes being offered by amazing trans, nonbinary &/or gender expansive facilitators I know. Here are a few that are starting soon!

Tristan Katz is running a Creating Safer Space training for folks who want to better show up in solidarity with LGBTQIA+ communities.

Kori Doty is co-facilitating a series of workshops for post-op trans masculine people called Pleasure (your) Chest.

My teacher and friend Alessandra Belloni is fundraising again for I Giullari di Piazza, the wonderful non-profit that keeps the ancestral, healing, musical and dance traditions of Southern Italy alive across the Italian diaspora. She has been doing this with dedication and devotion for 45 years! Please donate and/or share as you are able. We need to help people keep ancestral traditions alive as well as to spread the protection of the Black Madonna on all of us who are marginalized right now.

My wonderful friend Courtney, who is already an amazing herbalist, is planning to expand the queer healing services they provide by pursuing further training as a bodyworker and acupuncturist. However, learning is expensive and us trans, nonbinary & gender expansive folks are often underemployed and underappreciated. Can you please support their fundraiser to help them with school costs? It still has 62% of the very modest goal to go! We need queer healing spaces and providers more than ever! Let's show love and support to a community member who gives generously of their time, knowledge, and skills. Thank you!

My beloved friend Billy Navarro Jr is STILL 26% short of making their goal, even after reducing the total amount of the fundraiser. Can we please help them get through that finish line community?! He's one of the most generous people I know and gives so much to the community, especially children and young people. I hope we can show up for Billy as he keeps showing up for everyone around them everyday! Let's bring the community love friends and help this fundraiser finally reach the goal!

If you're starting to feel hopeless about the ongoing genocides, take some deep breaths, and refresh your commitment to care by donating to the Palestine's Children Relief Fund or contribute to Project Rainbow Turtle, an Indigenous LGBTQ+ centered Mutual Aid Fund and Network, or just keep loudly reminding people that our struggles are not over until we're all free!

If you feel moved to donate to trans-led organizations, given the ongoing rise of anti-trans rhetoric, legislation, and hate, check out the Transgender Law Center, which has several, amazing projects going, including an Action for Transformation Fund, as well as the Trans Justice Funding Project, which supports trans-led grassroots efforts in the so-called United States and US Territories.

Please let me know if there is a fundraiser, either personal or for an organization, that you would like me to lift up in this section! Thanks!

Some things I am exploring in my free time

Please note that none of these links are sponsored. If I ever advertise something as an affiliate, I will make it very clear! Thanks!

I have been pleasantly surprised by how good the first season of Peacemaker was. I wasn't expecting it to address toxic masculinity and white supremacy in the ways it did! CN for very graphic violence, misogyny and racism though. I am now looking forward to watching season 2.
My nesting partners and I had fun watching the latest season of Wednesday as well. Jenna Ortega is, of course, magnificent as usual and there is a great moment in episode 5 where Gomez's commentary on cultural appropriation will make me smile forever more.
I have been writing a lot of poetry and made some collages too. I am really trying to dedicate time to creativity everyday, even if just for a few minutes. It's helping me find joy and center no matter what's happening around me. I hope you're finding ways to be creative too because the opposite of war it's not peace, it truly is creation, as Jonathan Larson wrote for Rent, one of my favorite musicals.

If you made it this far, thank you! I hope you have found this interesting, useful or enjoyable in some way. If so, feel free to pass this on to a friend or, better yet, pass on the link to subscribe directly! Thank you for being here!

Let’s keep opening our hearts to one another (with consent and when it’s safe enough to do so) and transform our perspectives together!

Alex

Tristan Katz Creative 8/23/25 Tristan Katz Creative 8/23/25

New Moon issue #13

I missed sending a newsletter at the last full moon so you get a new moon one instead!

New course announcement! While I finalize some programs for the Fall and Winter, I would like to share that my friend and colleague, Dr Sophia Graham of Love Uncommon, collaborated to create an asynchronous course on Mapping Your Relationship Ecosystem. As newsletter subscribers you also get a discount if you use the code mail25 if you choose to buy the course. You can find out more and register here. If you’re wondering what mapping your relationship ecosystem means, follow me on Instagram or subscribe to my YouTube channel since I will post a brief video talking about this course on Monday.

I cannot wait to share other collaborations soon since I have been doing a lot of planning, creating, and co-creating over the last few months! Thanks also to all of you who replied to my poll in the last newsletter, it was so helpful to learn what you might be more or less interested in.

Hello wonderful people,

I missed sending a newsletter at the last full moon so you get a new moon one instead!

I have also added recommendations for classes that other wonderful trans and queer folks are offering in the Let’s Support Each Other section of the newsletter so make sure you check those out! Our community is so wonderfully resourceful, creative, and supportive. Now more than ever we need to keep lifting one another up!

Here’s the agenda for what you will find in the rest of this email!

Reflection corner: nobody is coming to save us (but us)
Events and Projects
Let’s support each other: classes, fundraisers, and mutual aid requests
Some things I am exploring in my free time

May this New Moon be a fertile soil for our creativity, projects, seeds of hope, and resistance. We’re not alone, and we’re radiant!

Reflection corner

Nobody is coming to save us (but us)

A couple of weeks ago I saw the new Superman movie and I was pleasantly surprised in some ways, and sadly not in others. Don’t worry, I will not share any spoilers for those who haven’t seen it yet! One of the things I was pleasantly surprised about was the message that “no one needs to be the victim of one’s biography”, as George Kelly - founder of Personal Construct Psychology - would have said. There were other messages I really liked, including the power of the collective vs that of the individual, which we have seen in several superhero movies lately. However, I was troubled by the white saviorism that still seemed implied in some of the narrative, at least in my opinion. Sorry if I am being somewhat vague but, like I stated earlier in this paragraph, no spoilers! Overall I enjoyed the movie, and it also encouraged me to reflect further on something that has always given me pause, that is most Anglo folks’ apparent belief that systems will, ultimately, somehow work in service to justice and liberation, and that just a few “evil” people (hey Lex Luthor!) are responsible for the terrible things that happen every day.

I have witnessed this belief play out not just in movies, but on social media and in educational and therapeutic contexts too. First of all, let me say that, although I find this belief troubling and problematic, and I will explain why in a moment, I also have a lot of compassion for it. As a Gen Xer with a history of trauma, who found comfort and escape in fairy tales, superhero comic books and movies, and romantic books and movies, I deeply understand the yearning to be rescued. It has taken me a lot of inner work to dismantle the belief that if I just were pretty / good / patient [insert adjective of your choice here] enough, my savior would come, often in the form of a white knight, of course. Luckily, I also had enough critical thinking to know that this was a dangerous idea, and sadly life had to teach this to me a few times before I started approaching things differently.

Why is it dangerous, in my opinion? As someone with a history of early abuse, I saw how this belief in a fictional savior, set me up to idolize those who showed a minimum of kindness and care, and to yearn for their approval, rather than to notice how they might be taking advantage of my self-esteem issues, or even just be incompatible with my values or needs. It also dehumanized whomever was cast in that role since we're all fallible humans with our own needs, wants, and challenges. Most importantly, it centered this fantasy savior, and what I needed to do to be “worthy” of being saved, instead of encouraging trust in my own agency, power, consent, and choice.

As long as I centered trusting “the other”, whomever that happened to be, over my own self, I remained vulnerable to potential harm. The paradox is that, of course, trust is necessary in relationship building, as well as for personal growth, since often others can be a mirror showing us which parts of ourselves we’re still struggling to embrace with compassion and radical honesty. I don’t regret leading with vulnerability in my relationships, even though I might get hurt, and at times I did, but I do wish I had been able to meet myself sooner with as much trust, care, and compassion as I met others.

What does this all have to do with saviorism on a more systemic level though, especially in this moment? One of the things that has troubled me is witnessing this trust in larger systems over the experiences of those most impacted by said systems. For example, despite the fact that the so-called United States has always been a somewhat oligarchic country that centered the most rich and powerful white people while dehumanizing Indigenous people, as well as Black, Brown, and Immigrant people, many people here still believe we’re operating under democratic principles and that the constructs of “freedom” and “justice” are inherently “American”.

Every day I see (mostly white) people on social media being surprised at the horrors perpetrated by the current regime, while still believing in the same systems that uphold and deliver those actions. For example, I have had well-intentioned (I assume) white folks, including queer folks, argue that “ICE needs a warrant or a reason” to deport people, and that the people seized have “rights under the constitution”, even though anyone who has interfaced with this system knows that this is simply not true, for so many reasons I will not delve into here. I have also listened to people talk about police reform over abolition, while those most impacted have asked for abolition over and over, since it is hard to reform a system that was founded on the dehumanization of Indigenous and Black people to maintain, or even increase, the wealth and “safety” of white settlers. The examples could go on and on, but hopefully you get the gist of what I’m trying to say here.

One of the reasons why this troubles me is that I fear that, as long as we still believe and trust in systems that were never designed to enable us to thrive, and were always constructed to extract from and control our bodyminds, we’re not likely to put our energy into co-creating alternative, sustainable, interdependent webs of care. Even more so, it might be hard to even imagine such possibilities, if we’re so committed to the current systems within dominant culture. Instead, we might spend time policing each other, because carceral logic is deeply embedded in the fabric of this country, and arguing about which path is the “correct” one to get us out of this mess, rather than uplift one another as we experiment in a myriad of ways to resist what is currently happening and to imagine what nurturing collective liberation can look and feel like. I also believe that when we trust those systems so deeply, we become more prone to despair since they might seem unavoidable and inescapable. Finally, when we trust those systems over the experiences and wisdom of those most impacted by them, we continue to uphold white supremacy, anti-Blackness, racism, transphobia, cisgenderism, xenophobia, misogyny, ableism, sanism, queerphobia, and the ongoing settler colonial project and, by doing so, we keep perpetuating harm even though this is not our intention.

I invite you to take a deep breath, if you want to, especially if you’re noticing uncomfortable feelings rise. This is not a call out, to be clear, but rather a reminder that the work of liberation happens both internally and externally. If you have recognized yourselves as someone who does this, it’s ok. We’re born within a historical web of choices, under thunderous clouds heavy with the trauma of systemic oppression, and some of those beliefs were passed on from generation to generation. Sometimes we just need to recognize how to break the cycle. If that’s where you’re at, you might be asking yourselves, what do we do instead? That’s a great place to start and, honestly, as many of you know, I often shy away from “the” answers because how can one person have all of the answers? However, I do believe in weaving conversations and experiments together, in sharing what we know and what we’re learning.

Here are a few things that I am reminding myself of a lot nowadays, or doing, especially when a tinge of despair sneaks in, because times are challenging for sure (and nobody is denying that here).

Systems are working the way they were designed to, they’re just being more shameless and open about it. They are widening their impact to include people who have had some relative privilege until now.
I am not alone. None of us are alone. We’re part of a vast ecosystem and we have allies, not only in one another but also in ancestors, spirit (if that is something you connect with), green bloods and non-human animals.
I do not need to be saved by a fictional other because I have the power and agency to collaborate with real others in dreaming towards our collective liberation.
Systems of oppression benefit from us feeling powerless, alone, debilitated by their purposeful actions. I try to remember that I can discern between what I can and cannot control, then act accordingly.
This is a marathon, not a sprint, and I might never see the finish line personally, or better my finish line might come before the collective marathon is over, but I do not act just for my own benefit, but rather for the wellbeing of those who come after me, whether they end up being my biological descendents or not, and for the love I have for this good green earth and the ecosystem I am part of.
Rest is essential when I am exhausted and its purpose is to restore my capacity to show up in whichever ways I am capable of given the current realities of my bodymind.
Pleasure is sacred. Being embodied, present, and connected is the fuel that nourishes me so that I do not run on empty.
Creativity is rebellion in a dominant culture that prizes conformity and the commodification of our bodyminds.
I listen to my fears, then I choose what is possible at this moment, for me, knowing that this will likely change, and I imagine that many of us are doing the best we can with what we know and have.
I listen and learn from others, because we cannot resist alone.

These are some of the ways in which I try to resist the individual hero narrative, the fantasy that someone strong and powerful will lift me up into the sky, whipping me to safety in the midst of danger, whether in my personal life or our collective reality. Instead, I breathe, I do what I can with intention and purpose, and I remember that when we come together in solidarity is when we are the most powerful, when we become rivers, mountains, and unstoppable gales of change.

events and projects

I am so looking forward to being in conversation with the fabulous Stuart Getty, author of How To They/Them, for an event at Zenith, an independent bookstore in Duluth, Minnesota, on Thursday, August 28th. If you’re local, join us!

I will also be at Duluth Superior Pride on Saturday, August 29th, launching my new, local business, Pleasure & Belonging, an emerging space dedicated to embodied pleasure for every body. The website is still very barebones but wanted to share the excitement of this new adventure. If you’re local, come and say hi, get a sticker, a fruit snack, and a warm hello. I will also have my books and some fab stickers designed by my daughter for sale. At some point that day, I will also be dancing on stage with the wonderful friends from North Shore Ballroom! Come spend time with us!

While on the West Coast, I will be doing some book events! I will be at Always Here in Portland on November 16th with Lucie Fielding and then with Lucie again for an event in Seattle at Charlie’s Queer Books on November 21st, and one by myself (so far!) also in Seattle at Elliott Bay Book Company on November 24th. Links for the last two will be included in future newsletter when available.

I have started recording new episodes of my now seven-years old podcast Gender Stories and I will start releasing those starting in September! Subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts not to miss new episodes, if you haven’t done so already. I promise those are conversations with amazing folks and not to be missed!

I also launched a little YouTube series called Warm Take Wednesdays with Dr Alex Iantaffi. You can watch the second episode here, or listen to it wherever you listen to podcasts! This one is on why we need to talk about whiteness and I unpack a few characteristics of white supremacy culture.

Want me to speak about a particular topic on the new YouTube series or my old podcast, please let me know!

My process of mapping out my commitments is ongoing and dynamic, so if you want to collaborate or bring me to your community, please let me know!

Let’s support each other!

Remember: we keep each other safe, healthy and creative!

There are some fabulous classes being offered by amazing trans, nonbinary &/or gender expansive facilitators I know. Here are a few that are starting soon!

Tristan Katz is running a Creating Safer Space training for folks who want to better show up in solidarity with LGBTQIA+ communities.

Kori Doty is co-facilitating a series of workshops for post-op trans masculine people called Pleasure (your) Chest.

Eli Lawliet (aka The Gender Doula) is running another round of their magical journey Snake Medicine.

My wonderful friend Courtney, who is already an amazing herbalist, is planning to expand the queer healing services they provide by pursuing further training as a bodyworker and acupuncturist. However, learning is expensive and us trans, nonbinary & gender expansive folks are often underemployed and underappreciated. Can you please support their fundraiser to help them with school costs? We need queer healing spaces and providers more than ever! Let’s show love and support to a community member who gives generously of their time, knowledge, and skills. Thank you!

My beloved friend Billy Navarro Jr is STILL 26% short of making their goal, even after reducing the total amount of the fundraiser. Can we please help them get through that finish line community?! He’s one of the most generous people I know and gives so much to the community, especially children and young people. I hope we can show up for Billy as he keeps showing up for everyone around them everyday! Let’s bring the community love friends and help this fundraiser finally reach the goal!

If you’re starting to feel hopeless about the ongoing genocides, take some deep breaths, and refresh your commitment to care by donating to the Palestine’s Children Relief Fund or contribute to Project Rainbow Turtle, an Indigenous LGBTQ+ centered Mutual Aid Fund and Network, or just keep loudly reminding people that our struggles are not over until we’re all free!

Please let me know if there is a fundraiser, either personal or for an organization, that you would like me to lift up in this section! Thanks!

Some things I am exploring in my free time

Please note that none of these links are sponsored. If I ever advertise something as an affiliate, I will make it very clear! Thanks!

I have been enjoying taking more one-off writing workshops virtually with Tin House and they have been so incredibly helpful as I engage with multiple writing projects this year. It’s wonderful to be in writing community with people, even if just for 2-3 hours.
I am loving being in Eli Conley’s Queer Songwriter Circle. He’s an incredible teacher and facilitator who creates such an encouraging and supportive container for people and I so appreciate it! Check out his classes here. Maybe I will get brave and share one of my songs with y’all at some point.
I binge watched the show Building the Band and now I cannot stop listening to SZN4 (I am OBSESSED with how good they sound together) and I’m waiting eagerly for another season hopefully! I might even do a watch-along for my popcorns and perspectives this Fall if folks are into it!
Our family has also really enjoyed watching the latest season of Lego Masters. I am always so impressed by all the builders and so entertained by Will Arnett!

Let’s keep opening our hearts to one another (with consent and when it’s safe enough to do so) and transform our perspectives together!

Alex

Tristan Katz Creative 7/10/25 Tristan Katz Creative 7/10/25

Full Moon issue #12

I am finally ready to launch some of the ideas I have been brewing this year, but I need your help to figure out my timeline! Will you please take 2 minutes to take the poll below and let me know which of my projects you’re most excited about? Thank you!

Below are some of the programs I am planning to launch over the next few months. Some are for therapists, some are for the general public. The poll is super quick and just asks which of these programs would you be most interested in enrolling in, if any. The results will help me figure out which program to launch first! Thank you!

Hello wonderful people,

[POLL]

Which of the following programs would you be most excited to take and/or recommend?

Queer Thriving in Relationships - asynchronous online course (with optional coaching group) [audience: general public]
Remembering who we are: a journey of collective self-exploration [audience: general public]
Healing from Relational Trauma Together - transformational journey into intimacy with ourselves and others. [audience: general public]
Relational Systems Mentorship: a year long program for therapists, counselors, social workers, and coaches working with all types of intimate relationships. [audience: therapists, counselors, social workers and coaches]
Queering Sex Therapy: A year long mentorship program [audience: therapists, counselors, and social workers]
Open Office Hours - ad hoc consultation group
The embodied pleasure club: a membership community dedicated to nurturing embodiment, presence, and pleasure to sustain our liberatory work. [audience: general public and interested providers]
Cinema & TV Club with Dr Alex: cozy up for popcorn & perspectives. [audience: general public and interested providers]

Thank you!

Before going to the agenda for this newsletter, I also wanted to make sure you knew that there is still time to sign up for the co-created space that the wonderful Tristan Katz and I have been collaborating on: Holding Ground. It’s for any trans, nonbinary &/or gender expansive leaders! Find out more at: https://www.katz-creative.com/holding-ground We start on July 18th! Join us?

Here’s the agenda for what you will find in this email!

Reflection corner: giving ourselves permission
Events and Projects
Let’s support each other: fundraisers and mutual aid requests
Some things I am exploring in my free time

May this Full Moon illuminate all the crevices in which we stash away our needs and desires so that we can better understand, love, and express ourselves. May we give ourselves and each other permission to be fully human. May we give ourselves and each other what we need.

Reflection corner

Giving ourselves permission

One of the things I have really struggled with over the past year or so is giving myself permission to make certain changes and do things differently both at work and in my personal life. One of the reasons for the changes is my diminished capacity and increased fatigue, which I believe I have written about before. However, I don’t want to talk about the why today, I want to write about the process of giving ourselves permission to change, to do things differently, to challenge the status quo in our own lives. Much as my values are rooted in collective liberation, claiming my own, personal freedom and agency has been much more challenging than I expected to be honest.

The ghosts from the past, such as fear of scarcity, judgement, self-doubt, trauma, to name a few, collude with the ongoing internalized ableism, the impact of colonialism, and the carceral logic we’re immersed in within dominant culture to create a seductive cocktail of… misery, quite frankly! Let me break what I am trying to say with an example. I need to work fewer hours per day because of my fatigue, and I have also been struggling with mornings, but I feel incredibly guilty when I start working after 10am or 11am, even though I often keep going until 6 or 7pm, if I can. I have tied my own worth to my productivity for so long that, as someone who is self-employed, I have become a terrible boss to myself! I have also been struggling with emails and even during weekends or in the evenings, I am constantly feeling guilty and cannot rest because I know there are things I “should” do that I am not doing.

Much of this is, of course, not just a personal struggle. It’s a reasonable response to the collective overwhelm, to the grief that is present everyday, and to the fear many of us minoritized folks continue to live in as the current regime keeps working towards our demise. Some of this is also neurodivergence: the inability to rest, the competing impulses between needing stimuli and restful quiet, the restlessness along with the exhaustion from navigating a neurotypical world everyday. I also know I am not alone in struggling with this. One of my partners used to feel guilty if we went out for lunch or coffee during the week, for example, even though they weren’t working! There are so many things we all feel we “should” do. Take a moment to think about all the shoulds in your own life… What are the narrow pathways in your life that you feel you cannot deviate from? I know there are many of those in my own life!

I used to be proud of having really tried to eradicate the word “should” from my own vocabulary. This practice invited me to distinguish between things I actually have to do, such as keep working and making a certain amount of money to pay the bills under capitalism, and things I can choose to do or want to do. When I say, I should exercise, do I mean that I have to, I want to, or I choose to? And of course, because life isn’t binary indeed, some things might be a mix of all those! I feel I have to exercise to stay strong and keep my healthcare providers happy, but I also want to exercise because it improves my quality of life, and I choose to exercise because it is a way to prioritize my health.

It turns out, though, that just changing your vocabulary is not quite enough to truly challenge deep seated habits living in the sinews of my bodymind. Don’t get me wrong, it is a great move towards it, but it wasn’t enough to truly claim my own power and agency, to give myself permission to build the life I want, need, and have the privilege to build for myself and my family at the moment. It takes more than changing my vocabulary and my thinking, it takes the practice of doing things differently, sitting in the discomfort when we do, noticing all the scary feelings that might arise for those of us living with trauma, and doing it differently over and over. Giving myself the permission to honor the circadian rhythm of my bodymind and not the clock of capitalism. Giving myself permission to eat what I can digest and tolerate sensorially, rather than judge every mouthful for not being well balanced enough. Giving myself permission to rest and let my mind wander with no purpose rather than extract every ounce of productivity from my tired bones. Giving myself permission to laugh, be, and connect with my family, with the land, and with myself instead of pushing through beyond my capacity because the needs around me are too great.

There is nobody else who can give us that permission slip. Over the past three decades, I worked hard to learn that now, as an adult, I am the one who gets to decide what I want, what I need, what I do, even though, of course, I am not doing so in isolation from others. We impact one another because we have power. Too often, though, that power is obfuscated or distorted because of trauma, not just individual trauma but also collective trauma. Healing means also recognizing that power, in ourselves, in each other, knowing where my freedom ends if it takes away someone else’s. We’re the ones who need to give ourselves that permission slip, who need to evaluate and consider our needs, wants, and have tos within ourselves and our own ecosystems. Nobody else can do it for us, even though sometimes we desperately seek answers in others, or in places and things outside of ourselves. At least, that’s what I believe.

Lately, as part of practicing giving myself permission to do things differently, I have been trying to ask myself questions like:

what would I do if I wasn’t worried about [insert worry of the day / moment here];
what is the kindest choice towards myself, not just my current self but also my past and future selves;
what is something I haven’t tried before in this kind of situation; what am I not giving myself permission to do?

So, for what is worth, I share those reflections and questions with you. Maybe there’s something that you’re not giving yourselves permission to do… Is it resting because you feel you need to be productive at all times? Is it nurturing pleasure because you feel guilty with so much suffering going on in the world? Is it being gentler and softer with yourselves because the only motivation you have ever known was pushing through harshly? Whatever it might be, I hope we can all give ourselves permission to move towards liberation not only externally, but also internally, especially if the world has placed extra bindings on our freedom, because where we find that permission, that agency, we also find our power.

events and projects

I am still super excited about having had a short article published in the Psychotherapy Networker. As a long-time reader of this magazine, contributing to it has definitely been writing goals! If you haven’t had a chance to check out my piece on how the field is sometimes failing our minoritized prelicensure clinicians, you can read it here.

My wonderful colleague and friend, Tristan Katz, and I are offering a 3-months container for a co-created relational space for trans, nonbinary, and gender expansive leaders! We start on July 18th and I am so looking forward to being in this space with some of you! Want to find out more? You can sign up and/or read more about our offering here.

Alongside some great Portland colleagues, I am organizing a week-long sex therapy training in person from November 12th-19th, 2025. There will be a Foundational SAR, an Advanced SAR on Trans Sex, co-facilitated with the fabulous Lucie Fielding, and a weekend of trainings, networking and community in between the two. Details are coming soon. If you want to stay informed, please let us know by sharing your details here.

More collaborations and offerings are definitely coming in the Fall, so keep watching this space and also don’t hesitate to contact me if you’re interested in collaborating.

While I work on the upcoming season of my now seven-years old podcast Gender Stories, I launched a little YouTube series called Warm Take Wednesdays with Dr Alex Iantaffi. You can watch the first episode here, or listen to it wherever you listen to podcasts! I even made a proper trailer for it and I am looking forward to releasing more episodes soon!

Want me to speak about a particular topic on the new YouTube series or my old podcast, please let me know!

My process of mapping out my commitments is ongoing and dynamic, so if you want to collaborate or bring me to your community, please let me know!

Let’s support each other!

Remember: we keep each other safe, healthy and creative!

My beloved friend Billy Navarro Jr is still 26% short of making their goal, even after reducing the total amount of the fundraiser. Can we help them get through that finish line community?! He’s one of the most generous people I know and gives so much to the community, especially children and young people. I hope we can show up for Billy as he keeps showing up for everyone around them everyday! Let’s bring the community love friends and help this fundraiser finally reach the goal!

Please let me know if there is a fundraiser, either personal or for an organization, that you would like me to lift up in this section! Thanks!

Some things I am exploring in my free time

Please note that none of these links are sponsored. If I ever advertise something as an affiliate, I will make it very clear! Thanks!

I love having kids who share media with me! My daughter invited me to watch K-Pop Demon Hunters and we ended up watching twice!!! It’s so good y’all! I won’t spoiler, but I definitely sensed a little subtext around transness, alongside other themes of course, but, apparently, it was just me, at least in my family. If you watch it and sense that subtext, please let me know! Or maybe I just see a lot of things through the lens of gender, who knows! Anyway, if you love anime, you might enjoy this movie. I have to say that I also loved the catchy songs in it! Basically, a winner of a movie as far as I am concerned.
The same child, got me into Ginny and Georgia and I cannot stop watching it! I have laughed, cried and got really invested in the characters. I am now on the third and final season and I have been warned that I am likely to cry (which I already did at various points throughout seasons 1 and 2). Content note for childhood sexual abuse, intimate partner violence, racism, self-harm, systemic poverty and abuse, substance use, disordered eating, and violence. You might also rage against the patriarchy as you watch this. I know I did.
I can’t remember if I mentioned this in previous newsletters, but I have been listening to Michael Franti’s new album, Welcome to the Family, on repeat! I love his music and this album is no exception. All the songs are great but I particularly love Be Who You Are, Break Up with Everything, and Drop Me In The Water!
I have been reading more books in my mother tongue, Italian, and the latest read I am loving is Accabadora by Michela Murgia. It has been translated in English if you are interested in this slice of life in 1950s Sardinia but please note that this is not a light read! Content note (so far since I’m still reading it) for ableism, systemic poverty and abuse, assisted death.

And here is me, as promised, trying to look fabulous, despite being really tired honestly, at the wonderful Pride Prom themed social dance night at my beloved studio North Shore Ballroom. It was so wonderful to be able to attend with my daughter as well. Truly a special evening of dancing fun! And yes, I am wearing a tiara on my head because why not?

Let’s keep opening our hearts to one another (with consent and when it’s safe enough to do so) and transform our perspectives together!

Alex

Tristan Katz Creative 5/12/25 Tristan Katz Creative 5/12/25

Full Moon issue #11

I cannot believe I started writing this newsletter just over a year ago! I know I skipped a month here and there because, just like you, I’m human and sometimes balls are going to get dropped, and that’s ok, but I’m so glad I made this commitment to myself (and to you) to sit down and share parts of my own journey with you through writing. I’ve been so moved by the reconnections and connections this newsletter has enabled. I hope my reflections bring some value to your inbox and, if you come to any events I’m part of, please come and say hi! I may be super awkward when you do (*hello neurodivergence*) but I assure you that I treasure each interaction, question, and piece of feedback! Thanks again for being here! Now, let’s get to it, but, before we do, here’s a reminder and the agenda for this issue.

Hello wonderful people,

Here’s the agenda for what you will find in this email!

Reflection corner: What part of yourself are you hiding out of fear of being too much?
Events and Projects
Let’s support each other: fundraisers and mutual aid requests
Some things I am exploring in my free time
Bonus pics of me at a Pride Prom social dance at my local ballroom dance studio!

May this Full Moon illuminate our whole, tender, complex yet simple hearts. May we remember our own and each other’s humanity. May we deeply understand that our roots are deeply intertwined. May we be fierce and open-hearted in our relational dances, knowing that moments of misattunement and rupture are unavoidable. May we be a cacophony of undeniable wildflowers who are not afraid to bloom anywhere.

We are all essential, and that includes YOU too dear ones.

Reflection corner

What part of yourself are you hiding out of fear of being too much, and maybe also not enough?

I don’t remember much of my childhood that clearly, so it’s hard to pinpoint exactly when I started to feel like I was too much. I am sure my childhood trauma had something to do with it, but there’s more to consider! I do remember clearly feeling that I couldn’t do anything right, and that I was always too much and yet never enough when I moved to England in my very early 20s. In fact, I was around the age my daughter is now when I made that move. When I think about that, I can access so much more compassion for myself. So many moments in my 20s and early 30s still cause my heart to contract a little when I think of all the ways in which I felt too much while living there. I was too loud, too big, too clueless, too feminist, too stupid, too foreign, too “extroverted”, too angry, too mouthy, too Italian, too shameless, too different, too ill, too much. I was also never enough. I was never smart enough to get the academic job interviews that my Anglo peers seemed to be lining up at the end of their doctorate, even though my thesis had won a national award and I was applying to all the “right” jobs. I was never small and quiet enough to feel like I fit in around the dinner table. I was never straight enough or queer enough to feel at home (and relatively safe) somewhere. I was never regulated enough to be worthy of being heard. I was never pretty enough to be loved the way I thought I wanted to. I was never patient enough to “wait for my turn” when talking, or hoping for a promotion that would never come. I was never sick enough to be understood as disabled. I got used to living in the liminal space between “too much” and “never enough”. Maybe some of you can relate? Maybe it’s just me, and, if so, that’s ok, nowadays.

It would take years of unpacking, unlearning and relearning to understand the roles that misogyny, classism, white Anglo supremacy, xenophobia, protestant ethics, ableism, queerphobia, especially biphobia, fatphobia, colonialism, cisgenderism, catholicism, and sanism played in my experiences. During that time, and sometimes now still, I just internalized it all as a personal moral failure. I believed for far too long that there was something deeply wrong with me, obviously, and that my job was to eradicate it and become my best possible self. It wasn’t just exhausting, it was also painful and, ultimately, dehumanizing. Don’t get me wrong, I really tried hard to “heal” since I blamed my trauma for much of what I was experiencing. Again, it’s not like my trauma didn’t matter, it’s just that it was never the only reason, and maybe it wasn’t even the main one. Who knows, it’s not like we can weigh those sorts of things on a scale. I worked hard at making myself more emotionally regulated, I tried to speak more softly and quietly, I apologized over and over and over again. Guess what? It was never enough either because, like a wise therapist - whose name I wish I remembered- said to a group I was part of once, healing is not a self-improvement project, but rather a self-acceptance project. I heard that wisdom at the time, and shared it with so many clients, yet it would be years still before I could really take it in for myself.

Recently something has shifted though. I’m not sure if it’s age, knowing that I am neurodivergent, all the unlearning and relearning swirling together in the right pattern, nearly 30 years of being in therapy, the social experiment that is the Internet, or just sheer exhaustion, but I’m tired of hiding parts of myself from the world in fear that everyone will find out that I’m too much or not enough. Because, here’s the not-so-secret secret, every human is too much and not enough. We could never be enough by ourselves because we weren’t meant to approach the world alone. We’re always too much because our needs, and our essential humanity, cannot breathe and be met, or even viewed as legitimate, under colonial capitalism. However, white Anglo supremacy, colonialism, and protestant ethics would have us believe that if we do “all the right things”, we will be rewarded with success, belonging, love, good health, security, and even eternal life for the Christians among us. Please don’t misunderstand me, I’m not knocking Christianity as a religion. I believe that spirituality is a core need and a central part of who we are for many of us. I’m pointing out that Christian supremacy, as an ideology, especially within protestantism, might have sold us the idea that our ethics are supposed to be driven by a potential reward in the afterlife, rather than by the recognition of the inherent sacredness (wholeness, if you prefer) of life. I’m also saying that white supremacy culture has sold us perfectionism, binary thinking, conflict avoidance, and more as ways in which we can keep ourselves safe and whole when, in fact, these strategies only lead to alienation, disembodiment, dehumanization, suffering, isolation, repression, and oppression.

I decided that I’m done curating parts of myself away for Anglo comfort, cis comfort, patriarchal comfort, abled comfort, you get the gist, right? Doing so only contributes to upholding the systems of oppression and control I’ve been working to challenge for most of my life. It can truly feel like filling a cup with no bottom, on a bad day. So, I’m done doing that, and it’s simply terrifying. Luckily I also realized that I’ve been doing this for longer than I give myself credit for sometimes, so it’s not all happening at once, since that is not how we work as humans, in my experience. In many ways, I’m just taking that next move on the path, that deeper breath, that risk of chosen (not enforced) vulnerability that often leads to deeper intimacy, with ourselves and one another. Maybe this is just how healing is unfurling. I don’t know, to be honest. In many ways, it’s just what it is (as simple and infuriating and factual as that statement is). Here’s what I know: this is a practice and not a one and done kind of deal. It’s the practice of not abandoning myself and meeting myself with the same care I would meet another. It’s the practice of knowing my ground and my right size, not as dictated by others, but as a knowing in my bones and breath and nerves that I am part of the web of life and trusting that there is a me-shape where I belong in the multiverse, no matter what, and that I can rest there. It’s the practice of feeling fear and discomfort as I strive to be in integrity with my values. It’s the stretching of the buds growing as new neural pathways form, reaching for the warmth of the sun in early Spring. It’s the dance of life, of connection to myself, to you, to this beautiful, infuriating, magical, exhausting, and life-giving world. I don’t have many answers, in fact maybe I have none, but I’m sharing this in case you’ve been making yourself smaller too, or if you’ve been puffing yourself up because the feelings of always being too much and never enough are unbearable. I share this as a practice of gratitude for all those who have opened up vulnerably through writing, and art, and dance, and music, and community care, and even social media, and who have reminded me, sometimes in the most challenging moment, that I’m whole.

events and projects

I have a short article in the new issue of the Psychotherapy Networker discussing why, as clinical supervisors, we need to challenge the way the field can alienate minoritized supervisees, leading to some of them choosing to leave the field. Writing for this magazine for therapists, which I have subscribed to and read for several years, is truly a dream come true and I hope to be able to write more for them in the future.

The Gender-Affirming Care Guidelines I co-edited and contributed to for AAMFT (American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy) are now out and free to download! They’re very much a labor of love by an incredible team of volunteers supported by our professional association. It was incredible to see such a large team of majority trans, nonbinary &/or gender expansive family therapists come together to create this document. I cannot wait for you to read them and tell us what you think (and yes, there is more being dreamed of and worked on at AAMFT so keep watching this space), thank you!

I’ve had the honor to be interviewed by my colleague Martha Kauppi for The Institute of Relational Intimacy. We’ve had a lovely conversation about trans and queer attuned therapy, which you can view on my YouTube’s channel here, thanks to Martha’s generous spirit.

I also had the wonderful opportunity to do a live on social media with my dear friend, teacher, and Internationally renowned musician and artist Alessandra Belloni about her devotion to the Black Madonna and her educational programmes she runs in Southern Italy every summer. You can see this on my YouTube channel as well here.

I am thrilled to be one of the plenary keynote speakers at the upcoming AASECT conference. For the Engaging Diversity Plenary, I will be giving a talk entitled The Future (and Past) of Sexual Liberation Is Neuroqueer, Disabled, Mad, and Deviant. Hope to see some of you in Las Vegas! And if you’re local to Las Vegas and you’d like me to do a community event there, please let me know and I will do my best to make it happen!

Dr Sophia Graham and I have created a course on mapping your relationship ecosystem! Interested? I will email all newsletter subscribers with a discount code when it’s launched so watch this space! It’s pretty much ready but we are having some folks beta test it first!

I have also had the absolute delight to spend time in person with my new friend and colleague Dr Mackenzie Steiner and we will be bringing to our community a wonderful class called The Collective Alchemy of Gender Liberation. Watch this space for a link to our website soon! I promise it will come!

A new season of Gender Stories is coming later this year! Can you believe that my little, independent, labor-of-love podcast has had over 112,000 unique downloads so far? While you wait for the upcoming season, you can listen to any episodes you’ve missed wherever you listen to podcasts. Want me to speak about a particular topic on the podcast, please let me know!

My process of mapping out my commitments is ongoing and dynamic, so if you want to collaborate or bring me to your community, please let me know!

I will be around the west coast of the so-called US in the Summer and on the east coast in the Fall, all being well.

Get in touch if you’d like to organize something where you live!

Would you like me to do an event at your local, independent bookstore or hire me to speak somewhere? Please contact me directly for bookstore events or media queries, hire me throughthis speakers bureau, or check out my website for more information on speaking engagements:alexiantaffi.com Thanks!

Let’s support each other!

Remember: we keep each other safe, healthy and creative!

My beloved friend Billy Navarro Jr is facing some hefty medical bills and has a fundraiser still going to meet them. He’s one of the most generous people I know and gives so much to the community, especially children and young people. I hope we can show up for Billy as he keeps showing up for everyone around them everyday! Let’s bring the community love friends, and help this fundraiser reach the goal as soon as possible! If so much money can be giving to racist white women, surely we can do better and support our community members through the hardship caused by systems of oppression. Right?!

A project that I hope many of you will contribute to is the recently launched Project Rainbow Turtle, an Indigenous LGBTQ+ centered Mutual Aid Fund and Network.

If you feel moved to donate to trans-led organizations, given the ongoing rise of anti-trans rhetoric and legislation, check out the Transgender Law Center, which has several, amazing projects going, including an Action for Transformation Fund, as well as the Trans Justice Funding Project, which supports trans-led grassroots efforts in the so-called United States and Occupied Territories.

Please let me know if there is a fundraiser, either personal or for an organization, that you would like me to lift up in this section! Thanks!

Some things I am exploring in my free time

Please note that none of these links are sponsored. If I ever advertise something as an affiliate, I will make it very clear! Thanks!

My wonderful friend Tristan Katz was interviewed about gender-affirming care for this brief, yet impactful, documentary created by Ani Ceccacci and you can access it free on YouTube here!
I finally managed to watch the fabulous, award-winning documentary Framing Agnes a couple of months ago. It’s hard to describe how moving and insightful this documentary is! Please watch it if you get a chance. You won’t regret it, honestly!
My fabulous friend Mackenzie, who watched Framing Agnes with me when I visited her, introduced me to Abigail Thorn and the incredible play she wrote and performed in, The Prince. IT’S SO GOOD THAT I AM USING ALL CAPS FOR THIS. Honestly, watch it if you’re able! Totally worth the time, especially if you’re a Shakespear and gender nerd like me!
Finally, I have so enjoyed binge watching North of North, a comedy TV series with a fantastic Indigenous cast, including the wonderful Inuk actress Anna Lambe. I am so excited the show has been renewed for a second season! If you haven’t watched it yet, this show has so many layers and it’s so incredibly moving and funny! It’s one not to miss, truly.

Let’s keep opening our hearts to one another (with consent and when it’s safe enough to do so) and transform our perspectives together!

Alex

Tristan Katz Creative 4/12/25 Tristan Katz Creative 4/12/25

Full Moon issue #10

Please, as always, read on and feel free to hit reply to let me know what you think, or what you’d like me to reflect on in future issues. Even when I do not manage to reply, please know I read them all eventually. Your questions, comments, and, above all, YOU are always welcome here. Also, if you haven’t yet signed up for the upcoming book reading and celebration of Trans and Disabled: An Anthology of Identities & Experiences, on April 23rd please do so here! If you cannot buy the book, just send me an email, and I will send you the link. Nobody will be turned away for lack of funds! Also, asking your library (and local bookstores) to stock my books on their shelves is super helpful, thank you!

Hello wonderful people,

Here’s the agenda for what you will find in this email!

Reflection corner: searching for my inner compass in the midst of upheaval
Events and Projects
Let’s support each other: fundraisers and mutual aid requests
Some things I am exploring in my free time
Bonus cat pics from my home!

If you make it to the end of this newsletter, you can also see a couple of pictures of my new roommate Puffin, one of the cats who just moved into our household alongside another cat, my daughter and her boyfriend (only Puffin is in the pictures though)!

May this Full Moon help you honor your growth, care, and heart to prepare you for the magic that is still waiting inside of you, so you can bring your unique, essential medicine to the world. We need it and we need you. Take care & take courage dear hearts.

Reflection corner

Searching for my inner compass in the midst of upheaval

I wrote back in December about letting go in relation to changes in my life, including my decision to let go of the beloved group therapy practice I co-created with my colleague and queer family member, Mark Reese. One of the questions that has come up since, both within myself and from others, has been: what will you do next? I have been feeling the weight of this question in my bones, on my heart and mind. I have dreams, hope, and visions, but I have also been dealing with exhaustion, ongoing, complex health issues as I age with hEDS, and, well, the world at this moment (imagine me gesturing at, well, everything) plus trying to continue to show up as best as I can for my family, my kids, and communities. What am I doing? It’s a question I have been asking myself everyday this year. I have also been asking myself other questions... What does the world need right now? What do my communities need? How do I balance my needs and the needs around me? What is the medicine that is called for? What is the medicine I bring to the world? Am I bringing it as fully as I can or am I holding back? If I’m holding back, what am I keeping close to my heart and why? How do I rest while the world continues to be on fire? How can I still feel so much pleasure and joy in my life when others are suffering and when so many of us are so scared? Many of these questions are not new but I am approaching them from a different place because I too am changing and growing older.

I turned 54 years old last month. There are fewer years ahead of me than behind me so how do I want to spend the rest of my precious life now? And how much choice do I really have about how I spend my time under capitalism? So many questions... I guess I have always been someone who likes to go deep and come back to existential questions like this over and over. It’s as invigorating as it’s tiring, at times, but it’s also always clarifying. In the middle of my own existential wondering, life goes on. Bills still need to get paid, meals cooked, laundry washed... Children still need to be loved and cared for, and so do the animal companions I share space with, and the little land around my home that I am responsible for, and my own bodymind too... Friendships still need to be nurtured (although I’m not always stellar at this at times), commitments to supervisees and colleagues need to be kept, and community requires participation... The list could go on and on and this newsletter could become even more boring than it already is. Are you overwhelmed yet? I know I am, and we haven’t even mentioned the news yet, throwing more and more destructive executive orders in the direction of many communities I am part of, and many others that loved ones are members of. So much life, so much confusion, so much upheaval. How do I even find my inner compass right now? You may have been struggling with that too, maybe.

One thing I have learned though, in these 54 years of being alive, is that I do need to find my inner compass again in these moments of transition. In fact, it’s essential that I do so because otherwise, I’m just splashing around, trying not to drown and that it’s not a life, it’s survival. Don’t get me wrong, survival is essential! I wouldn’t be here without it, but I’m pretty sure that my ancestors want more for me, and for us all, than the bare minimum of a life, they want us to thrive. How can I keep fighting for liberation if everyday I tie myself up in knots of my own doing? Collective liberation cannot be achieved without internal liberation too. It often requires a change of inner frameworks. I’ve learned as much from all the brilliant Indigenous, Black, and Brown scholars and community organizers who have been generous with their words and wisdom. So I’ve been trying to slow down, to listen, to ground and to trust. The latter is always a challenge for me (because trauma) so believe me when I say that I know that none of this is easy! I’m starting to feel some glimmers of light and direction around the question of what I’m doing but I’m also noticing the patterns that keep me from listening to and trusting my inner compass. Maybe I’ll share some of those in future newsletters if y’all are interested but, for now, I want to share some of the things that have been helping me to find that inner compass again. The list below is not comprehensive but rather a highlight of some realizations and practices that have been supporting me during this time.

Giving myself space to be, not just do (I know, I know, it’s hard, really hard, (and too often a privilege) to do this under capitalism!).
Slowing down. I cannot say enough how much faster I can go when I slow down. I know that it’s a paradox but I keep learning this lesson over and over: the slower I go, the faster I get there.
Using my tools. For me these include: dance (especially authentic movement), meditation, creativity (for example, writing and cooking), ritual, divination, listening to music, having time alone, listening to ancestors, tuning into the ecosystem around me and within me.
Trusting my intuition (maybe the hardest one of all and yet one of the most important).
Checking in with loved and trusted ones in my life. We cannot do this work alone.

I’m sure I will have many more opportunities to search for my inner compass again and again. This is the work of a lifetime, at least for me. Yet, for now, I’m finding some peace, spaciousness, breath and possibilities. Synchronicities are happening, some dreams are coming true, and my creativity seems to be on fire and to move faster than my body can keep up with! So I keep slowing down, taking things one move at a time, breathing as deeply as my lungs will allow me on any given day, dwelling in gratitude and nurturing the relationships that sustain me. I don’t have all the answers yet, and I never will, and that’s ok because the questions themselves are a gift, and, on a good day, that’s enough.

events and projects

I wrote a blog post for AAMFT on why we need gender-affirming care now more than ever. You can read it here if you’re interested. AAMFT has also just announced that the systemic gender-affirming care guidelines I helped co-create with the rest of the editorial team and contributors will soon be released! Watch this space for a link to find them when they are out in the world.

My colleague and friend, Mel Cassidy, and I had a wonderful time doing an Instagram Live on Somatic Compersion! We had so much fun that we kept going after the live! You can find the full video of our conversation on my YouTube channel here.

As well as having a couple of books out this year, I also contributed to the wonderful book edited by my fellow magic practitioners and friends, Jane Meredith and Fio Gede Parma, Magic of the Pearl Pentacle. Reclaiming Love, Law, Wisdom, Liberty & Knowledge. I wrote an essay on gender liberation within the Reclaiming tradition.

I am honored to be one of the plenary keynote speakers at the upcoming AASECT conference. For the Engaging Diversity Plenary, I will be giving a talk entitled The Future (and Past) of Sexual Liberation Is Neuroqueer, Disabled, Mad, and Deviant. Hope to see some of you in Las Vegas! And if you’re local to Las Vegas and you’d like me to do a community event there, please let me know and I will do my best to make it happen!

Have you listened to the latest episode of my podcast Gender Stories? It’s a wonderful conversation with my writing partner, Dr MJ Barker, about our latest book. The episode is available wherever you listen to podcasts, including on YouTube! I want to be very intentional about how I use the podcast right now so episodes might trickle in a little slower than usual. Thank you for your patience and your ongoing support of my podcast, which is now 7 years old! Doesn’t time fly?! Want me to speak about a particular topic on the podcast, please let me know!

I am in the ongoing process of mapping out my commitments for the rest of 2025 & 2026, so if you want to collaborate or bring me to your community, please let me know! I will be around the west coast of the so-called US in the Summer and on the east coast in the Fall, all being well.

Would you like me to do an event at your local, independent bookstore or hire me to speak somewhere? Please contact me directly for bookstore events or media queries, hire me throughthis speakers bureau, or check out my website for more information on speaking engagements:alexiantaffi.com Thanks!

Let’s support each other!

Remember: we keep each other safe, healthy and creative!

My beloved friend Billy Navarro Jr is facing some hefty medical bills and has a fundraiser going to meet them. He’s one of the most generous people I know and gives so much to the community, especially children and young people. I hope we can show up for Billy as he keeps showing up for everyone around them everyday! Let’s bring the community love friends and help this fundraiser reach the goal as soon as possible!

Please join the millions of people who are asking for the Immediate Release of Palestinian Student Activist Mahmoud Khalil from unlawful & unjust detention! Thank you!

A project that I hope many of you will contribute to is the recently launched Project Rainbow Turtle, an Indigenous LGBTQ+ centered Mutual Aid Fund and Network.

Please let me know if there is a fundraiser, either personal or for an organization, that you would like me to lift up in this section! Thanks!

Some things I am exploring in my free time

Please note that none of these links are sponsored. If I ever advertise something as an affiliate, I will make it very clear! Thanks!

I took the most amazing writing class on Main Character Energy with the incomparable Gabby Rivera and I feel so inspired! I also got so much writing done! I cannot wait to share the project I worked on in that class with all of you in due course! All I want to do is write at the moment!
I’ve been relaxing to the TV series The Wheel of Time and I’m loving it so far! The queerness is so easily woven into the world building, which I really appreciate, and it has been a beautiful way to unwind in the evening.
I’m currently reading Arsenic and Adobo by Mia P. Manansala and I love it so far! I had the pleasure of meeting Mia a few years ago at Wiscon and I’m so glad I finally got to pick her book off my shelves and read it! If you’re a fan of cooking murder mysteries, this is for you!

And here is Puffin, one of our four beloved animal companions, featured below, as promised!

[ID: A close-up of Puffin. They are an orange and white cat with blue eyes. Puffin is seated and looking at the camera with the rest of the room behind them. There are various pieces of art hung on the walls behind Puffin.]

Make it stand out

[ID: Puffin is curled up, sleeping on a blue comforter on a bed.]

Let’s keep opening our hearts to one another (with consent and when it’s safe enough to do so) and transform our perspectives together!

Alex

Tristan Katz Creative 2/12/25 Tristan Katz Creative 2/12/25

Full Moon issue #9

How’s your bodymind holding up right now? How’s your heart? I hope you’re feeling supported and cared for and, if not, that you can ask for what you need. I hope you’re finding a way to move through the feelings, to mobilize, to be present with yourself and others. We need each other, always. Each of us is essential and necessary. Please, if nothing else, remember that. I know I am having my own struggle with staying compassionate towards myself and others, to remain mobilized, present, and also to rest, to take care of myself. I am experimenting with more sustainable daily rhythms, while I keep divesting from capitalism and colonialism as much as I possibly can, one tiny choice at the time.

Hello wonderful people,

I know I am having my own struggle with staying compassionate towards myself and others, to remain mobilized, present, and also to rest, to take care of myself. I am experimenting with more sustainable daily rhythms, while I keep divesting from capitalism and colonialism as much as I possibly can, one tiny choice at the time. The bombardment of attacks is purposeful and, as much as I am able, I want to keep my energy focused on the world we’re trying to co-create instead. I want to give my life force to the potentiality of a more liberated future. As my beloved friend and elder Donald Engstrom-Reese has taught me, I am going to live as if the revolution has already happened! I know I can do it because I’m not alone. Many of you are right there with me, and I am grateful for each and everyone of you. Thank you for being who you are.

In practical news, there is still a tiny bit of time left to register for the upcoming online event on February 13th (yes, I moved the date so people had more time to find out) at 6pm CST (4pm PST / 7pm EST) exclusively for those who have already bought How to Understand Your Relationships. You can register here! Nobody will be turned away for lack of funds. If you would like to attend but cannot buy the book right now, just contact me and I will share the Zoom link. Also, check out MJ and I talking about our latest book in the latest episode of Gender Stories!

Please, as always, read on and feel free to hit reply to let me know what you think, or what you’d like me to reflect on in future issues. Even if I do not manage to reply, please know I read them all eventually. Your questions, comments, and, above all, YOU are always welcome here.

Reflection corner

Pleasure is the portal

Last week I went to a local Valentine’s event that the dance studio I study at was involved with. There was a big band, and I danced most of the evening. In fact, I am still a little wobbly and sore from it, but it was worth it even though I almost didn’t go initially. I knew there would be mostly cishet folks. I knew I would stand out as a nonbinary, trans masc fabulous presenting person, especially as a follower (in ballroom terms). I knew I would be overwhelmed by being in a new environment as an AuDHDer, and that it would be physically impactful as a disabled, bendy person. These are some of the reasons why I almost didn’t go. I had also spent the afternoon replying to time-sensitive emails while singing along and crying to the soundtrack of the musical Rent. What can I say. It had been a week! However, I decided to put on my cute, velvet pantsuit, throw some lipgloss on and go, because I LOVE to dance and I will keep dancing until my dying breath. Yet, there was also guilt as the night progressed and I felt the euphoria of rhythmic, connected movement across the dance floor sweeping away the nervousness, self-consciousness and fear.

The guilt came in waves. How can I be here enjoying myself when my communities are constantly under attack right now? How can I feel this much joy in my body when I’m grieving so many already lost due to the constant onslaught of systemic violence against trans, queer, disabled, immigrant, Black and Brown people? How can I share this dance floor with some of these folks who might have voted for the current regime? How can I waste my time and resources like this? It’s in moments like these that I am grateful for nearly three decades of practicing mindfulness in a number of ways. It’s in moments like these that I fall back on my practice, slow down, breathe and let the thoughts, and the guilt, rise and fall, and float by, trying not to attach myself to them, to not let them take me away from this present moment.

I tried to stay with the pleasure of it all because pleasure is the portal I need right now. As Emma Goldman stated, I too believe that “a Cause which stood for a beautiful ideal, for anarchism, for release and freedom from convention and prejudice, should [not] demand the denial of life and joy”. Better and bigger authors than me have written about the role of pleasure in activism, including adrienne maree brown in Pleasure Activism. The Politics of Feeling Good, yet it seems a good time to remember that this tension, this either/or between organizing and pleasure has been around for a long time. Even Mary of Bethany was told off for “wasting” precious oil rubbing Jesus’ feet, and he sure had something to say about that, at least according to the gospel. While I have a challenging relationship with my father as an ancestor, for reasons I won’t go into here, I am grateful for his community and political organizing when I was growing up, because I learned early on that we need both bread AND roses (as well as class solidarity)! We need beauty in our lives, as well as meaning, and connection and, of course, pleasure.

Pleasure is also different from hedonism, that is the philosophical ideal that the pursuit of the satisfaction of desire is the goal. This might seem obvious but maybe it’s not and, even if it is, my family sometimes calls me Captain Obvious for a reason! Anyway, pleasure, for me, is about aliveness, presence and beauty. Where hedonism is individual and fleeting, in my opinion, pleasure is connected, connecting, and connective. I do believe that we need to find ways to feel alive, present, connected to ourselves, the ecosystem around us, and to one another, if we’re to keep co-creating a more liberated future in the face of the global rise of fascism. Pleasure is essential because it keeps us human. Pleasure reminds us that our bodyminds are not commodities to be exploited for financial gain, even when that gain is mere survival for so many of us. We need bread AND roses. We need pleasure. We need aliveness if we’re hoping to do more than just change who is in power, if we’re trying to co-create a world where our sovereignty is within and with others, and not over others, if we believe in power-with instead of power-over.

Many mornings lately it has been challenging to get up. There’s collapse, there’s urgency, there are disasters and misery all around us. So I have been trying to slow down, to listen, to fall back on practice, because this is why we practice, as the wonderful Michelle Cassandra Johnson reminded me in one of her recent newsletters (also check out her latest book, which I cannot wait to read). We practice so we can remain present when the winds of destabilization scream all around us. For me, personally, this has meant going back to music, movement, dance, meditation, connection with mystery, eating nourishing food, drinking enough water, resting, organizing locally and nurturing as much pleasure as I can in each of these moments. Pleasure is the portal that enables me to enter into a deeper relationship with myself, and cultivating pleasure is one of the disciplines that helps me resist the constant drive for productivity under capitalism. So I let the waves of guilt just be, while I kept dancing until my knees and spine could dance no more, at least not on the ballroom floor! And then I found pleasure in resting, in dreaming, in massaging pain salve on my joints, in chatting with my family and friends, in crying while singing along to Defying Gravity in Wicked, in sitting in my favorite coffee shop and writing this while thinking of all of you out there, who are also resisting through existing (and protesting, and organizing, because we absolutely need that too). So this is my prayer right now, as we approach the complicated day that Valentine’s Day can be for so many of us:

May pleasure swell and engorge our beings until we become an unstoppable tide of collective liberation and change that cannot be denied.

events and projects

Like I wrote earlier, the book MJ Barker and I finished co-writing last summer, How To Understand Your Relationships: a practical guide, has been published by Jessica Kingsley Publishers (JKP) on January 21st, 2025! The anthology I edited (and have 1 piece in) Trans and Disabled has also been published by JKP on the same day! The most helpful thing you can do for me right now is to buy them, if you can, and/or ask your local library to order them. If you’re in the so-called US, it’s helpful for me if you can buy them either through your independent bookstore or, if you’re buying them online, please do so through my bookshop.org affiliate link here. I actually get more per book from the sale of my books through the affiliate link than from the publisher! Thank you!

From March 20-22, 2025, I will be at the AAMFT Leadership Symposium co-presenting with brilliant colleagues on the the power of representation in leadership and mentorship and on governance as key to organizational change (yes, I am a governance nerd)!

I have two more books in the works and some other exciting projects I am brewing, like a Neuroqueering Online Summit organized with Dr Sophia Graham, some online courses on various aspects of relating, and a Book Club, so watch this space!

I am in the ongoing process of mapping out my commitments for 2025 & 2026, so if you want to collaborate or bring me to your community, please let me know!

Would you like me to do an event at your local, independent bookstore or hire me to speak somewhere? Please contact me directly for bookstore events or media queries, hire me through this speakers bureau, or check out my website for more information on speaking engagements: alexiantaffi.com Thanks!

Let’s support each other!

Remember: we keep each other safe, healthy and creative!

Solidarity is the only way through friends! Check out and support this mutual aid project connecting the Indigenous movement on Turtle Island to the ongoing fight for Palestinian land sovereignty.

Another project that I hope many of you will contribute to is the recently launched Project Rainbow Turtle, an Indigenous LGBTQ+ centered Mutual Aid Fund and Network.

If you would like to help someone more directly, please consider giving directly to my friend Tay’s fundraiser. He’s still trying to get financial stability as a Black trans, queer, disabled man in this racist, ableist and transphobic world. Please donate and/or share as able, thank you!

Please let me know if there is a fundraiser, either personal or for an organization, that you would like me to lift up in this section! Thanks!

Some things I am exploring in my free time

Please note that none of these links are sponsored. If I ever advertise something as an affiliate, I will make it very clear! Thanks!

I finally watched the movie Little and I cannot recommend it enough, if you haven’t watched it yet! Not only it’s funny and moving, I also found it healed a part of me that needed to cry and laugh and hold that younger, nerdy, neurodivergent me that had been bullied pretty badly in middle school by both kids and adults. Caila Marsai Martin also became the youngest Hollywood producer with this movie.
I have been using Insight Timer and Finch daily to make sure I prioritize my wellbeing, especially at the beginning and at the end of the day. I have been trying to do ten minutes of gentle movement meditation in the morning before letting the day flood in. Some days this is more effective than others, but that’s why it’s called a practice, right?
I’m listening to so much music right now and moving both my body and emotions through singing along, dancing and crying! If you would like to share favorite artists, pieces and/or songs please do so! I love discovering new music! Here’s one I discovered earlier today. I didn’t know the quote “I make my own sugar and I am my own Daddy” was from a song by Devon Cole when I found this lovely piece of art at a local craft fair last Pride (and I am sorry I do not have the name and/or card for the artist who made it)!

[ID: a rectangular piece of art leans on a bookshelf between the books “Encyclopedia of Sex and Sexuality” and “Being Bodies”. The art is three dimensional with beads spelling out the words “Be Your Own Daddy. Make Your Own Sugar”. There are beads of dinosaurs, fish scales, hearts, unicorn heads and bears around it. The background is glittery and swirly with pink, purple, and blue hues]

Let’s keep opening our hearts to one another (with consent and when it’s safe enough to do so) and transform our perspectives together!

Alex

Tristan Katz Creative 1/13/25 Tristan Katz Creative 1/13/25

Full Moon issue #8

Hello wonderful people,

I would like to say Happy New Year, since 2025 has just started, but, as I write this newsletter, fires are raging in Los Angeles as a consequence of the climate crisis, genocides are ongoing, and many countries, including where I live, are falling deeper into fascism. It makes it kind of hard to cheerily greet a new year, at least for me! Nevertheless, I refuse to give into despair. Don’t get me wrong, I have my moments and, quite frankly, despair and anxiety are reasonable responses to the current state of affairs, but I cannot dwell there. I simply cannot afford to. There is too much at stake, not just for myself, but for my communities, my children, and our beautiful Earth. If I am part of this ecosystem, and I have some level of agency, I feel I need to choose how to use whatever limited power I have carefully and intentionally. One of the ways in which I try to do this, it’s to be rooted in my values, and to strive to align my actions with these values. The reflection in this newsletter is about one way in which we can root into our values, and that is to create a manifesto for our lives. I hope you find this helpful and, if not, that’s ok too. Part of the beauty of being human lies in our diversity, not only of identities, but also of experiences, so, as always, please take from this newsletter whatever might be useful and/or relatable, and leave the rest.

I want to make sure you know that the book MJ Barker and I finished co-writing last summer, How To Understand Your Relationships: a practical guide will be published by Jessica Kingsley Publishers (JKP) next week on January 21st, 2025 and is available for pre-order! The anthology I edited (and have 1 piece in) Trans and Disabled will also be published by JKP at that time. The most helpful thing you can do is to pre-order them, if you can, and/or ask your local library to order them. I’m planning a little online event on February 5th at 6pm CST (4pm PST / 7pm EST) exclusively for those who have pre-ordered (or buy early) How to Understand Your Relationships. Save the date for this event and save your receipt! More information on this is to come very soon!

Please read on and feel free to hit reply to let me know what you think, or what you’d like me to reflect on in future issues. Your questions, comments, and, above all, YOU are always welcome here.

Reflection corner

What is your manifesto?

Recently, I have had the pleasure of reading Rachel Cargle’s book “A Renaissance of Our Own: A Memoir & Manifesto of Reimagining”. While the book centers her own experiences as a Black woman, I believe the points she makes are useful for anyone. I also love that she guides the reader through a process of identifying their values and writing their own manifesto. As someone who strives to live authentically, transparently, and with intention, I decided to share with y’all the manifesto I wrote while reading the book, and going through the process Rachel Cargle suggests. If you find this helpful, you might want to read the book and be guided to write your own manifesto. Or you can even decide to just go for it and write your own manifesto. Personally, I find that when I feel anxious or lack confidence in my own vision, re-reading the manifesto I recently created, gives me back some strength and inspiration. I also view this manifesto as a living document that can grow and change alongside me. The core values I identified before writing it are integrity, love and easeful abundance. I might write more about each of these values in future newsletters, if you’re interested, but, for now, here’s my current manifesto. Whether you decide to write your own manifesto or not, I hope your own compass is guiding you to where you want to go.

Alex’s Manifesto for 2025 and beyond

I am essential and so is everyone else. I honor myself, the ecosystem I’m immersed in and the network of relationships that hold me. I am learning to trust myself and to not abandon myself for others, since this doesn’t help me or them. I celebrate how I’ve not only survived but thrived in my life, so far, and I know my place within the web of life. My roots go deep into the earth while also reaching for the sky. I hold the tension of this paradox as sacred within my heart. I trust mystery as the voice within me that has guided me in the past, still guides me in the present, and that will never abandon me as long as I keep connecting and listening.

I love fiercely, shamelessly, imperfectly, honestly, and with my whole heart. I choose to nurture relationships with people who are invested in creating sustainable kinship networks rooted in love not just as a feeling but as commitment to care, growth, intimacy and mutuality. I keep learning what boundaries are necessary for me to remain in relationship with those around me and also with my own selves. I strive to be a good-enough, authentic & accountable friend, parent, neighbor, partner, healer and community member.

I believe in the revolutionary power of love as a community practice and a way to pursue justice with daily actions. I hold locations of both oppression & privilege within my bodymind. I do my best to always acknowledge the dance between them with as much integrity as I can. I strive to be and to constantly become an accomplice in the struggle for our collective liberation in all the places where I do hold privilege, and to speak the truth of my experiences in the places where I don’t.

I am grateful that learning has always been a doorway to liberation and deeper connection for me. I am committed to being a lifelong and critical learner not just inside academic classrooms, but also through all my conversations, readings, interactions and relationships. My special interest is people and all the ways in which we communicate and relate, not just to others, but also to ourselves, to the ecosystem we’re part of, to language, culture, ancestors and spirit. I strive to share any knowledge and wisdom I might gather, rather than hoard it for my own individual gain.

My work is rooted in my creativity, magic, vulnerability, earnestness, and skills as a healer. I am the instrument that, through my work, brings my values to life within my communities. I strive to be aligned with my purpose in a way that honors my dynamic needs, my connection to mystery & my gifts.

As part of the ecosystem, I too am deserving of rest as a birthright. I am attuned to my bodymind and I nurture and honor my wholeness by healing and resting as and when needed, or simply wanted. I know that I need to treat myself as compassionately and generously as I would others. I let go of my fear of visibility and feelings of unlovability so that I can be my whole, expansive, loving self and appreciate each moment of goodness, connection, creativity, healing, abundance, magic, rest and pleasure with an open heart.

It feels scary and vulnerable to share this manifesto with all of you in some ways. I asked myself questions such as, is it necessary to do so? Is it self-aggrandizing or self-absorbed? Aren’t there better things to share at this moment in time? In the end, I am taking this leap of faith knowing that I struggle with many of my declarations in this manifesto, as those of you who know me well will certainly attest. This is only meant to be an example of one way in which we can ground into our own values and beliefs. Wherever you are, and whatever you do, I hope you find your own way to keep you on your path.

events and projects

Like I wrote earlier, the book MJ Barker and I finished co-writing last summer, How To Understand Your Relationships: a practical guide will be published by Jessica Kingsley Publishers (JKP) next week on January 21st, 2025! The anthology I edited (and have 1 piece in) Trans and Disabled will also be published by JKP at that time! The most helpful thing you can do is to pre-order them, if you can, and/or ask your local library to order them. I’m planning a little online event on February 5th at 6pm CST (4pm PST / 7pm EST) exclusively for those who have pre-ordered (or buy early) How to Understand Your Relationships. Save the date for this event and save your receipt! More information on this is to come very soon!

On February 7th, 2025, I will be presenting a workshop at Caspersen Therapy & Training Center. You can participate live online (recommended) or access the recording later. The workshop is called “We heal in relationship: The vital role of connection in the therapeutic process” and it’s a brand-new offering! You can find out more and register here.

I have two more books in the works and some other exciting projects I am brewing, like a Neuroqueering Online Summit organized with Dr Sophia Graham, and a Book Club, so watch this space!

Have you listened to the latest episodes of my podcast Gender Stories? It’s a wonderful conversation with my dear colleague and friend Anne Mauro, sex therapist and author of the ground-breaking book The Colonization of Black Sexualities The episode is available wherever you listen to podcasts, including on YouTube! Gender Stories is on a little break at the moment but will be back soon with more episodes, including one where MJ Barker and I talk about our upcoming book!

I am still in the process of mapping out my commitments for 2025!

Let’s support each other!

Remember: we keep each other safe, healthy and creative!

As the fires keep burning in Los Angeles and surrounding areas, many disabled folks keep being displaced. @painedandconfused on Instagram created a spreadsheet of GoFundMe campaigns by disabled folks from these areas impacted by the fires.

If you are from this area and are impacted, you can find some resources for support here. My heart goes out to all those impacted, including one of my cousins who just lost his home in Altadena to the fires.

My friend and brilliant poet and storyteller Kit Yan is having a fundraiser to support the work they are doing with creative partner Melissa Li. Now more than ever we need brilliant trans and queer centered stories, like the ones Kit and Melissa create! Please support them here if you can and/or share the fundraiser far and wide. Let’s help them go beyond their goal!

HEAL Palestine is a nonpolitical, nonprofit humanitarian organization with more than three decades of building programs and projects in Palestine. You can sign up for their newsletter, find out more and/or donate here.

Please let me know if there is a fundraiser, either personal or for an organization, that you would like me to lift up in this section! Thanks!

Some things I am exploring in my free time

Please note that none of these links are sponsored. If I ever advertise something as an affiliate, I will make it very clear! Thanks!

I am really looking forward to finally filling out the YearCompass for 2025! I usually do this towards the end of December but this year I had a house full after my daughter graduated from college just before the winter holidays, and we all shared time and space and then helped my mom celebrate her 80th birthday! If you have never used YearCompass, I highly recommend it! It’s free, available in many languages and this will be the third year I use it to reflect on the past year and plan for the year ahead.
I loved watching the 2020 movie L'incredibile storia dell'Isola delle Rose/ Rose Island (currently available on Netflix in the so-called United States). The movie is based on a true story and it seems more timely than ever to me. I would love to know what you think if you choose to watch it!
I finally watched the documentary Will and Harper as well and enjoyed the skillful humor, storytelling, and vulnerability of it all. I wasn’t sure what to expect but I was pleasantly surprised!

Let’s keep opening our hearts to one another (with consent and when it’s safe enough to do so) and transform our perspectives together!

Alex

Tristan Katz Creative 10/15/24 Tristan Katz Creative 10/15/24

Full Moon issue #7

Here we are, the last Full Moon of 2024, also known as the Cold Moon where I live, which seems very appropriate today as I look out to snow and fog outside my window and cozy up a little more, grateful for warmth and my home. How are you feeling as 2024 draws to a close? Frantic? Relieved? Surprised? Exhausted? I know I have felt all of this and more over the last few days alone! However you’re feeling, I hope you can welcome yourself, just as you are, and hold your heart gently. Please read on and, as always, feel free to hit reply and let me know what you think, or what you’d like me to reflect on in future issues. Your questions, comments, and, above all, YOU are always welcome here.

Hello wonderful people,

Please read on and, as always, feel free to hit reply and let me know what you think, or what you’d like me to reflect on in future issues. Your questions, comments, and, above all, YOU are always welcome here.

Reflection corner

It’s the end of an era: letting go / holding on / moving on...

This year has been a lot in so many ways, so I don’t even know where to start... It has been a lot of fun, adventure, pain, love, illness, change, heartbreak, lessons learned, more change, more lessons learned, more heartbreak for the world (again and again), and more love for the world (again and again). The truth is that I am still reflecting on what this year has been, and probably will be for a while. I am trying something new over the past few months: not forcing things (when I can) and being more gentle with myself. I honestly haven’t had many other choices since my capacity became dramatically reduced after an episode of unstable angina in October. Don’t worry, I am as ok as anyone can be while aging with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (EDS) and my angiogram was clear (hurrah), but I have needed to slow down even more, and think about my life differently. So I am taking this approach to reflecting about 2024 as well: I don’t need to rush to review every lesson learned, or to set goals for 2025. I can just let those arise organically, capture them when I can, and keep striving to do my best.

I wonder how you are doing with 2024 ending. What has been new for you? What chapters have been concluded and which have just started? I hope you can give yourself some spaciousness to let your life breathe as this year passes. Personally, one of the major changes in my life has been letting go of my group practice, Edges Wellness Center. Over the past 8+ years, Edges has been the center of my work life and my passion. I saw clients, I supervised interns and pre-licensure clinicians, I gave trainings, I learned how to run a growing business, and I was fortunate enough to do all of this with a dear member of my queer family. However, about a year ago, I knew that things needed to change, and I had a hard conversation with said queer family member and co-proprietor of the group practice. I started to feel overwhelmed by running a business, and constrained by the responsibilities this entails. There were more things I wanted to do with my life. I wanted more time to write, to create resources, and to grow dreams that had been incubating for some time. To cut a long story short, last month I concluded the sale of our business to a local, large non-profit. Edges will remain an independent subsidiary and I hope it will keep growing and serving an increasing number of historically marginalized clients and providers, especially trans, non-binary and gender expansive ones. I am still digesting what this means for my life and I am giving myself a little room to do so. I am also so grateful to my inner compass that let me know what was no longer sustainable in my life and that it was time to let go.

Letting go is never easy, but I have done it so many times in my life that it has become a practice, one that I am incredibly grateful for, as it keeps making my life more aligned, authentic and intentional. I have learned, again and again, that it’s a good thing to know when to let go, and that we can let go of things even when they are good and we love them. In fact, letting go can often allow things (and even people) we love to grow and expand beyond what would have been possible if we had held on too tight. Don’t get me wrong, letting go is not easy or comfortable, but I have learned, over and over, that when I can do so intentionally, I can also hold on to the beauty, the lessons, the love, the joy, the grief, the whole experience, and move on open-heartedly.

Many people have asked me what I will do now, and the truth is that I have many dreams, some planted seeds, and numerous experiments to look forward to in 2025, but no certainty. I don’t have a clear, well-paved and sure road ahead, and I am ok with that, even if sometimes I feel scared and anxious about this change, and that’s ok too. While there is much I am letting go of, both personally and professionally, in 2024, there is also so much I am holding on to while moving on. I am holding on to the lessons learned, as they become clearer, the relationships built, the wildflowers that have grown through the cracks, and I am so grateful for all of it, even the heartache and the hard parts. There would be neither of these if I hadn’t loved, lived, tried and dared, with as open a heart as I could manage.

It’s the end of an era in many ways, for me, as 2024 winds down. I am going back to being a solopreneur, as they call it, and also managing many other changes, including a drastically reduced capacity due to the most intense fatigue I have ever experienced in my life coupled with my ongoing chronic health issues. There are moments when I want to push again some of these changes. I question myself. I question others. I am upset and afraid. These are not my best moments, maybe, but they make me human and they’re part of me, so I try to embrace them too, rather than push them away. In my best moments, I can breathe into the possibility that comes hand in hand with uncertainty, into the hope built into change, into the knowledge that the only constant is indeed and always will be change. To be alive is to change. Only dead things don’t change and are crystallized in time. And so I am grateful for these changes because they mean that I am alive and, as long as I’m alive, amazing and surprising things can happen too, alongside the heartbreaks, the pain, the horrors, the grief, and the endings. I don’t know what the next era will bring but, whatever happens, there will be change, hopefully, and, with it, life.

May this winding down of 2024 be gentle on your hearts and bodyminds, and may we all reunite again in 2025 to navigate more letting go while holding on to this beautiful, heartbreaking, loving, surprising life.

events and projects

On November 20th, I had the wonderful opportunity to speak to a small group of students and faculty from the United Theological Seminary of the Twin Cities. It was an intimate chat, since I just showed up to address whatever questions people had. If you are interested in hearing me talk about my spiritual life, you can see / listen to the talk on UTS YouTube channel here.

My new AASECT Supervision Group will be a 2 hours group with 4 supervisees in it total and it will run from 12-2pm CST (10am-12pm PST / 1-3pm EST). It’s for people who are seeking to become AASECT approved sex therapists. Below is the complete list for the group dates. The cost is $225 per person for each group session. I have a couple of spots left so, if you are interested, please email me ASAP. Thanks!

2025 dates
January 9th
January 23rd
February 13th
February 27th
March 6th
March 20th
April 3rd
April 17th

The book MJ Barker and I finished co-writing last summer, How To Understand Your Relationships: a practical guide will be published by Jessica Kingsley Publishers (JKP) on January 21st, 2025. The anthology I edited (and have 1 piece in) Trans and Disabled will also be published by JKP at that time! I have two more books in the works and some other exciting projects I am brewing, like a Neuroqueering Online Summit organized with Dr Sophia Graham, and a Book Club, so watch this space! I got interviewed by Jessa Zimmerman for the BetterSex podcast on one of my upcoming books, How To Understand Your Relationships, you can give it a listen here, if you like!

Also, have you listened to the latest episodes of my podcast Gender Stories? It’s a wonderful conversation with my dear colleague and friend Anne Mauro, sex therapist and author of the ground-breaking book The Colonization of Black Sexualities The episode is available wherever you listen to podcasts, including on YouTube!

I am in the process of mapping out my commitments for 2025!

Let’s support each other!

Remember: we keep each other safe, healthy and creative!

My friend Tay and his partner Mike are still fundraising to meet many of their basic needs. They are two, Black, queer, disabled trans men, trying to build a life together while navigating systemic oppression and particularly hard moments of medical issues and houselessness. Please give to their fundraiser and share as much as able, Tay has been trying to get stability in his life for a long time but being disabled, trans and Black in this country makes it very difficult! Thank you!

My brilliant friend and teacher, Alessandra Belloni, is doing an end-of-year fundraiser to support her work in devotion to the Black Madonna. If you can support her work, please donate to her end-of-year fundraiser and share as you are able. Also, if you are in or near New York City, she will have an end-of-year concert on December 28th. I know this will be a memorable and fun event! If you are local to NYC and would like to attend, you can get your tickets here!

Feminist Book Club is having a fundraiser to help them become a cooperative. Having explored this possibility for the group practice I used to own, I know that this conversion is both time-consuming and expensive. Please contribute to this fundraiser and share as able, thank you.

Please let me know if there is a fundraiser, either personal or for an organization, that you would like me to lift up in this section! Thanks!

Some things I am exploring in my free time

Please note that none of these links are sponsored. If I ever advertise something as an affiliate, I will make it very clear! Thanks!

During one of my recent flights for work, I watched the movie Babes. I love Michelle Buteau and I’ve watched pretty much everything she has been in so choosing this movie was easy. I found myself laughing and sobbing in my seat so much that I watched it again once I got home, so I could share it with my nesting partners. It’s such a funny, unflinching and surreal depiction of birth, pregnancy, and, above all, the love of friendship and chosen family. CN: there is plenty of rude language, sexual content and at one point you might not like the character depicted by Michelle but hang in there and I promise the ending is a feel-good one.
The latest season of Dancing with the Stars has had me glued to the screen every Tuesday night given that there were some incredible competitors in it, such as Ilona Maher. Seriously, if you haven’t watched it and love dance, treat yourself! Ilona dancing to Encanto’s Surface Pressure was one of the highlights for me but then Mark Ballas and Derek Hough made all my bisexual, queer, kinky dreams come true in their performance of Libertango, which literally took my breath away for 2 minutes of the dance! Let’s just say I have new dance goals now. Someone make me famous so I can go on this show before I get too old please!
During a year of ongoing horrors against humanity, the latest season of The Great British Bake Off brought some sweet and gentle family-friendly relief. Prue Leith is my favorite still. You can see why here!
The TV Series L’amica Geniale/ My Brilliant Friend came to an end this year. I loved it even though it was hard to watch at times (CN: intimate partner violence; physical violence; murder; misogyny; transphobia). The children of one of the main characters would have been my age and, even though I wasn’t brought up in Naples but rather in Rome with frequent visits to Sicily, the historical period is so well represented that so much hit home for many different reasons. Not an easy but a worthwhile watch, at least for me.

Let’s keep opening our hearts to one another (with consent and when it’s safe enough to do so) and transform our perspectives together!

Alex

Tristan Katz Creative 10/2/24 Tristan Katz Creative 10/2/24

Full Moon issue #6

How is your heart today? Take a breath and check in with yourself, if you like. My heart is heavy and overwhelmed, so I am going to take a little time to slow down and connect with y’all since writing often helps me feel less alone. Please read on and, as always, feel free to hit reply and let me know what you think, or what you’d like me to reflect on in future issues. Your questions, comments, and, above all, YOU are always welcome here.

Content note: brief mention of chronic suicidality in the reflection corner below.

Hello wonderful people,

Content note: brief mention of chronic suicidality in the reflection corner below.

If you need it, here’s a list of hotlines that avoid calling the police.

Reflection corner

Breathing through the overwhelm (or why I slow down when I feel frantic because my to-do list is too long).

I don’t know anyone who is truly ok right now. How about you? This makes sense to me. How can we be ok if we are plugged into the web of life right now? Climate crisis is causing devastation and death in multiple places, there are ongoing genocides, an upcoming election in the so-called United States, an ongoing pandemic, and generally trying to survive under late-stage capitalism. I don’t know if it’s the season, my age, or my capacity but doing anything right now feels like walking through molasses. However, as my beloved friend, queer sib and elder Donald Engstrom-Reese often says, we still need to get up, make our beds, feed our families, and somehow find some beauty, balance and delight within and around us. As per says too, despair is for the bourgeois, the rest of us cannot afford to dwell there. So I breathe, I look at the beautiful autumnal leaves outside my window, I remember to practice gratitude, even when I am crying, and, in fact, especially then.

My to-do list is long, too long right now, and my email inboxes are heavy with unanswered emails, which I am slowly getting through. A part of me wants to push full speed ahead, but the wiser part of me knows that this is the time to focus on what matters, and, most importantly, to slow down. You see, I truly believe that this sense of urgency within me is a red alert that lets me know that trauma is at play. Some of this trauma is not personal, it’s socio-cultural too. What happens if I don’t respond to all my emails? What will people think? Will I miss you on opportunities? Will people think I am flakey and not hire me? How will I keep paying the mortgage and putting food on the table if people stop hiring me? You see, it’s easy to spiral down, isn’t it. So I pause, and I breathe. I prioritize my to-do list. I separate time-sensitive tasks from those that can wait but, most importantly, I slow down. The faster I want to go, the more I slow down. I make sure I sleep enough, that I drink plenty of water, that I eat at regular intervals and that I connect with those close to me, even if it’s for a few minutes. The emails, and the to-do list will still be there in 5 minutes, or tomorrow, or the day after but, if I don’t take care of my bodymind, I will become even less able to manage them all. This might sound easy but it’s not. My inner critic can get ferocious when I slow down. I know they are just trying to protect me from shame, because I have an inner belief that, if I don’t overfunction, I will be of no use to others and, if I am not of use, then what am I for? Our nervous systems are so smart and find all sorts of ways to protect us and yet, if we’re not careful, we can lose sight of both what matters and what is not under our control.

When I slow down, I can breathe again and I can function, albeit slower. I can choose to meet my essential needs because I only have this one bodymind to see me through this life and, if I don’t take care of myself, the impact is felt throughout the web that holds us. I know that it seems paradoxical to slow down when the world is literally on fire, and it is most certainly a privilege because I live in relative safety right now. It is exactly because I have the privilege of relative safety that it is important that I show up at this moment with some capacity to take care of myself. There are others who are in need of care right now because they are in crisis, and I want the web that holds us to focus on those people who are the most impacted at this moment. So part of my job becomes to take care of myself so I can show up within my capacity and skill set. I breathe, I eat, I drink water, I hold what I can and prioritize. I remember to sing, to dance, to call on Mystery. This is especially important for me as someone who lives with chronic suicidality since overwhelm can easily spill into that ultimate flight response. Slowing down and taking care of myself is preventative and ultimately that’s beneficial to those closest to me as well.

If you too are struggling with overwhelm, you’re not alone. I feel I have been writing about overwhelm and exhaustion a lot since starting this newsletter and, in many ways, I am not surprised by that. This is the world we’re in right now. It is overwhelming. It is heavy. Personally, I find that accepting this, rather than wishing it to be otherwise, gives me the strength to keep fighting for a better and more liberated world in the long run. I slow down because life is a marathon, not a sprint, and I want to make it all the way to the finish line, wherever that is.

Upcoming events and projects

In-person training on October 5th, 2024 (masks required) on the territories of the Multnomah, Wasco, Cowlitz, Kathlamet, Clackamas, Bands of Chinook, Tualatin, Kalapuya, Molalla, and many other tribal nations who made their homes along the Columbia River, currently known as Portland, Oregon (USA). This is an AASECT-approved training for therapists, counselors, and coaches hosted by Connective Therapy Collective on Working Systemically with Mixed-Orientation Relationships. You can register here! If you have been postponing signing up, you can get 20% off with the code QueerCEs

I will be starting a new online AASECT Supervision Group on October 24th for those who are looking to become certified sex therapists! This will be a 2 hours group with 4 supervisees in it total and will run from 12-2pm CST. Below is the complete list for the group dates. The cost is $225 per person for each group session. I only have a couple of spots left so, if you are interested, please email me ASAP. Thanks!

2024 dates

October 24th
November 14th
December 5th
December 12th

2025 dates
January 9th
January 23rd
February 13th
February 27th
March 6th
March 20th
April 3rd
April 17th

More in-person training events (masks required) on Mi'kmaq’s territories, currently known as Nova Scotia (Canada)!

A SAR on October 22nd and 23rd, 2024 & an Advanced SAR on Kink on October 27th and 28th, 2024. Online registration & full details on both SARs can be found at: bit.ly/SARHalifax Both will provide AASECT CEs!
The Working with Neurodivergent Clients from a Disability Justice Centered Perspective workshop on October 20th, 2024 has been moved to a larger venue to accommodate more participants! You can find out more and register at: bit.ly/NDHalifax

Thank you to the Queer and Trans Therapists of Nova Scotia (QTTNS) for hosting me and inviting me to do this! I have not done an in-person SAR, besides the advanced SAR at AASECT last year, since before the pandemic and this is the only in-person SAR I have planned for this year! These SAR events are very affordable, compared to usual AASECT CEs pricing, so I hope you will not miss them!

In November, I will be giving two presentations at the Systemic Family Therapy Conference in Orlando, Florida (I know, I know, it wasn’t an easy decision). On Monday November 4th, I will talk about Doing Sex Therapy with Trans, Nonbinary &/or Gender Expansive Clients and on November 5th, I will discuss How Gender Liberation Can Benefit All Families. You can find out more about the annual AAMFT Systemic Family Therapy Conference and register here.

I got interviewed by Jessa Zimmerman for the BetterSex podcast on one of my upcoming book, How To Understand Your Relationships, you can give it a listen here, if you like!

Also, have you listened to the latest episodes of my podcast Gender Stories? It’s available wherever you listen to podcasts, including on YouTube!

Let’s support each other!

Remember: we keep each other safe, healthy and creative!

Intersectional Environment put together a great carousel on Instagram with mutual aid and local organization links to support people impacted by Hurricane Helene. You can find it here.

Please let me know if there is a fundraiser, either personal or for an organization, that you would like me to lift up in this section! Thanks!

What I am exploring in my free time

Please note that none of these links are sponsored. If I ever advertise something as an affiliate, I will make it very clear! Thanks!

I watched The Decameron on Netflix and really enjoyed it! I had to study the book in high school in Italy so I loved watching this updated and very openly queer version (even though I still have a soft spot for Pasolini’s adaptation from 1971). I particularly loved the queer iconography echoing St. Sebastian’s imagery towards the end of the series (iykyk)!
The ballroom showcase went well and I loved it so much! If you would like to see the waltz routine I did, you can go to my Instagram here. I am so grateful that I still get to dance and I don’t take it for granted given my mobility issues. The next showcase is in March and I am planning a full-on choreography with our teacher! I promise to share in due course for those following my ballroom journey (and there might be a new podcast in the works exploring ballroom from a queer and trans lens... If you are a fellow trans and/or queer ballroom nerd, please get in touch with me).
I have been re-reading the wonderful memoir, Breaking the Curse. A Memoir of Trauma, Healing and Italian Witchcraft, by my brilliant editor Alex DiFrancesco (CN for sexual violence, trauma, substance use, suicidality, gender dysphoria). The second reading has enabled me to go slower and really notice connections and reactions within my bodymind. I find that reading stories and memoirs supports my own healing journey in ways that are hard to convey in words. It’s a powerful, moving and beautifully crafted memoir that I highly recommend (but please do note the content note and take care of yourselves as you read).

Let’s keep opening our hearts to one another (with consent and when it’s safe enough to do so) and transform our perspectives together!

Alex

Tristan Katz Creative 8/19/24 Tristan Katz Creative 8/19/24

Full Moon issue #5

I hope this Full Moon finds you feeling supported and cared for and, if not, that you can take a moment to connect to the ground beneath you and the sky above you, and breathe. We’re not alone, we’re part of an ecosystem, and if we forget, the simple act of breathing can remind us of this simple fact. Lately, I have been thinking about what I want to nurture during this time, both on an individual and collective level. Please read on (I promise the piece is shorter this time!) and, as always, feel free to hit reply and let me know what you think or what you’d like me to reflect on in future issues. Your questions, comments, and above all, you are always welcome here.

Hello wonderful people,

Reflection corner

Nurturing the future with intention.

I don’t know about you but I’ve definitely been struggling with exhaustion. This makes sense to me as capitalism and colonialism keep pushing us to produce to survive and/or feel any kind of “worth”. Everyone I talk to lately has been some version of overwhelmed, tired, sick, or simply struggling in some way. I want something different for all of us, and I know I’m not alone in this desire. However, it can be difficult, if not impossible, to think about the future when we’re in this state or, if we do, it might be to dwell on a fantasy of escape, a feared apocalyptic scenario, or anything in between those two poles.

As someone with a history of community organizing, and with increasingly limited capacity, I’ve been asking myself where I should put my energy, when the demand is so high, and how I can do more than just keep the wheels spinning. There are, of course, things I have to do to keep the mortgage paid, the lights on and food on the table, and there are commitments I have already made to organizations I serve, but is there more that I could do to nurture this different future I would like for us all? A future where our bodyminds are not treated as commodities in service to capitalism and where interdependence is celebrated as part of kinship?

There are of course changes I can, and strive to, make in my individual life but where is the sweet spot where my own skills, knowledge and passion meet the needs of the collective in this moment? While there are several things I engage with to try and nurture new possibilities, like writing, teaching, speaking, facilitating ritual and healing, I have been feeling the pull towards more intentionality, more connection, more magic, more building community slowly, at a time when there is so much to tear down with our anger and grief. Don’t get me wrong, I too have so much rage and grief within me, for many reasons, and yet I have always been a builder. While I acknowledge that there are so many systems to tear down, and often I participate in deconstructing those systems and cracking them open in the work that I do, I feel a strong desire to nurture the caring, connected, intentional future I still dream of.

This year I have found more questions than answers, to be honest, but I have also been nudged in a few directions, even though the destinations might not be clear yet. I have definitely been working on how to keep supporting people in developing the skills we need to be in intentional, vulnerable, connected, authentic relationships with one another, as this feels vital to the moment we’re in. As part of this work, I have also been sitting with the obstacles to developing and/or remembering these skills, such as the impact colonialism, capitalism and white supremacy culture have on our collective and individual capacity for relationality. How can we connect vulnerably and authentically with one another when we often don’t have time and space to connect with ourselves?

This has led me to think about the need to nurture alternative economic systems on a local level, like the HempLETS exchange economic system I was fortunate to participate in when I lived in the UK, as well as on a larger scale. How do we balance sustainability and accessibility under capitalism so we can live according to our values? Once more, I keep sitting with the questions, knowing that the answers are multiple and will come if I trust the wisdom of the ecosystem we’re all part of. What are the questions wandering in your thoughts right now? What does the future you long for look like? How does it taste, smell and feel? How will you nurture it? I know many of us are sitting with those questions and I am so excited to keep discovering all the different ways in which we will answer the questions and longings about the future that haunt our hearts. I am so glad to be on this journey with all of you.

Upcoming events and projects

On September 12th and 13th, if you are an MFT in Minnesota (although you can also attend if you live elsewhere), come and say hello at our annual conference for the Minnesota Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. Our theme is The Joy of Connection, and we have some wonderful presentations scheduled for you! You can find out more and register here. It will be my last year as conference co-chair and Board President for MAMFT and I hope to see many of my therapist colleagues there!

In-person training on October 5th, 2024 (masks required) on the territories of the Multnomah, Wasco, Cowlitz, Kathlamet, Clackamas, Bands of Chinook, Tualatin, Kalapuya, Molalla, and many other tribal nations who made their homes along the Columbia River, currently known as Portland, Oregon (USA). This is an AASECT-approved training for therapists, counselors, and coaches hosted by Connective Therapy Collective on Working Systemically with Mixed-Orientation Relationships. You can register here! If you would like me to do something else in that geographical area, now it’s a good time to let me know and ask! Thank you.

The in-person training events (masks required) on Mi'kmaq’s territories, currently known as Nova Scotia (Canada) have been moved to the Fall! Please note the new dates below. Some of them are almost full so please sign up now if you’re interested. Thanks!

A SAR on October 22nd and 23rd, 2024 & an Advanced SAR on Kink on October 27th and 28th, 2024. Online registration & full details on both SARs can be found at: bit.ly/SARHalifax Both will provide AASECT CEs!
The Working with Neurodivergent Clients from a Disability Justice Centered Perspective workshop on October 20th, 2024 is now sold out but there is a waiting list you can join. You can find out more and join the waiting list at: bit.ly/NDHalifax

I got interviewed by Jessa Zimmerman for the BetterSex podcast on one of my upcoming books, How To Understand Your Relationships, you can give it a listen here, if you like!

Also, have you listened to the latest episodes of my podcast Gender Stories? It’s available wherever you listen to podcasts, including on YouTube now!

Let’s support each other!

Remember: we keep each other safe, healthy and creative!

A sweet, skilled and generous somatic provider and community organizer in the Twin Cities, Griffen, has just had a baby! They are a solo parent and self-employed so there’s a fundraiser organized by community to enable them to take 6 weeks of parental leave and meet some of the expenses that having a baby entails! Please donate and share with your networks if you can, thank you!

My friend and teacher, award-winning singer, percussionist and author, Alessandra Belloni, is still fundraising towards the cost of finally filming a documentary based on her best-selling book Healing Journeys with the Black Madonna (Inner Traditions | Bear and Company, 2019). Please donate if you can and share the fundraiser with your networks. Thank you! This work is so close to my heart as someone who was brought up with some of the devotional practices to the Black Madonna, especially the Black Madonna of Tindari. I traveled with Alessandra to Campania in 2022 and Sicilia in 2023 and both were transformative, healing experiences!

Tay could still use your support please! He and his partner are trying to get some stability in housing, clear medical bills and secure a car to access medical appointments. If you can, please donate to their GoFundMe. They’re almost halfway there but they need your support! Thank you!

What I am exploring in my free time

Please note that none of these links are sponsored. If I ever advertise something as an affiliate, I will make it very clear! Thanks!

I just finished watching season 4 of The Umbrella Academy, which I believe is also the last one. Overall I enjoyed it, although I thought it was a little too short and had some plot holes. Also, content note: there is quite a bit of violence and more vomiting than I would have wished in a couple of episodes, especially since I’m emetophobic. You have been warned!
I’m getting ready to teach my first healing movement class in some time, and I am so excited that it will take place at the North Shore ballroom studio on September 23rd. I haven’t facilitated a healing movement class since the pandemic started, and I so loved the Dancing Ourselves Home series I did for People’s Movement center in Minneapolis a few years back. I hope participants will find it nourishing and supportive! The class will be called “Dancing with All Our Selves” and I will invite movers to get in touch with their own inner expansiveness.
I have been reading more memoirs and I’m taking a fabulous online class on “The Researched Memoir” with Melissa Febos through the StoryStudio. Yes, I’m planning to write a memoir at some point, although it might turn into something else, or possibly two different writing projects. I am looking forward to setting some time aside in 2025 to focus on this but, in the meantime, I am refining the structure and starting to write some pieces, whether I end up using them or not.
I’m experimenting more with selfies as a form of self-exploration and discovery and love. I have done some of this in the past but lately I have been taking some more risks by sharing photos I would not have in the past. It feels good and healing to stretch into different creative directions after having been told as a child that I wasn’t “very good” at anything artistic, including writing, and being told over and over that I wasn’t pretty or handsome at various points in my life. I’m playing with mixing poetry and selfies as well but not quite at the sharing place for this one yet. I’m sure when I’m ready some of these efforts will appear on Instagram so make sure to follow me there if you’re interested in witnessing what emerges from these experimentations.

Let’s keep opening our hearts to one another (with consent and when it’s safe enough to do so) and transform our perspectives together!

Alex

Tristan Katz Creative 7/21/24 Tristan Katz Creative 7/21/24

Full Moon issue #4

May this Full Moon illuminate your heart’s desires and our collective path towards liberation. If the world has felt heavy lately, please know that you’re not alone. If the world has felt hopeless, please know that you’re not alone. If the world has felt unbearable, please know that you’re not alone. For more thoughts on this, please read on and, as always, feel free to hit reply and let me know what you think or what you’d like to reflect on in future issues. Your questions are always welcome here.

Hello wonderful people,

Reflection corner

How to carry the weight of the world.

I spent a whole day crying last weekend. I just couldn’t stop, so I let myself be where I was at. It wasn’t easy, but I didn’t have much of a choice either. The tears just kept coming. I usually try to focus on gratitude and on action, but I am also a very watery sign, if you believe in such things, and sometimes I just need to let my feelings be. There was a lot to cry for: climate crisis, multiple genocides (many of which have gone on for decades or, in some cases, even centuries), the rise of global fascism, including in my beloved country of origin, the seemingly never-ending onslaught of anti-trans sentiment and legislation, recent death anniversaries of beloveds, more Black folks dying at the hands of the police, beloved community being impacted by the flash floods and hurricane Beryl, and more personal stuff too, like aging while disabled and finding out that my own spine keeps deteriorating at a fast pace. So I cried, because my bodymind could no longer contain all the feelings when I finally had a day off, by myself. Then I spent the week talking with clients, supervisees and colleagues about the weight of the world. How do we support others when we can barely support ourselves right now? How do we carry the weight of the world, at this moment?

If you know me and/or my work, you will likely be unsurprised to know that I have no definitive answers for you, or even for myself. However, as usual, I am happy to share what I keep learning through my own experiences and by listening to the wisdom of those around me. Here are a few of those things. I am sure more will emerge in time.

This is not the first moment in history we have faced so much. However, it might be the first moment in history when we are so connected via social media and the Internet, that we are constantly flooded with news from all corners. I personally find comfort in knowing that this is not an exceptional moment, even though it is a very scary one indeed. If this feels like a new moment, I gently invite you to ask yourselves how your privilege might have protected you from feeling the weight of the world until now. I am not asking you to spiral into shame or guilt, but simply to notice how systems of power, privilege and oppression keep us separated from each other’s humanity as well as from our own humanity.
I speak with Ancestors and Mysterious Ones and friends and community. When I want to isolate myself because it all feels heavy, I reach out to my allies to remember that I am not alone. Grieving and raging and organizing feels so much more possible with others. Colonialism and white supremacy thrive on isolation. We resist through community, connection with Spirit (whatever that might mean to us), and love.
In the morning, I wake up, make my bed, care for my bodymind and my household, and I show up to whatever the work of that day is. It might feel trivial sometimes but I know I cannot hold others, let alone the world, if I don’t hold myself first. On days when I cannot hold myself, I ask for help. It’s incredibly hard to do, but I have learned that if I just give, and I am not willing to ask and receive, I am just engaging in saviorism and/or people pleasing, rather than being in relationship with the world around me.
I try to focus on what I can control and try hard to not ruminate on what is outside of my control (believe me, as a neurodivergent person, this is incredibly hard). This doesn’t mean that I ignore things that are outside of my control but rather that I ask myself questions like: what can I do in this moment; how can I prepare for what’s coming and for what’s here already; what kind of ancestor am I training to be; how do I show up?
I remember that I am not alone, which means I am not carrying anything by myself, even though it might feel like I am sometimes. My trauma brain can be particularly hurtful and judgmental towards myself, but I keep cultivating self-compassion and reminding myself that even when I feel alone, the love of the Earth themselves is keeping me here through the gift of gravity. I look up at the sky, I feel the air on my skin, I might even hug a tree if I need a little more love and I remember that I could never be alone.

We were never meant to carry the weight of the world alone. If we feel isolated and over-burdened, it is by design, so that we don’t remember the power of connection, of relationship, of community, of love, so that we acquiesce to the tyranny of oppression. My beloved elder and queer sib Donald Engstrom-Reese has taught me that balance is not an individual endeavor but, rather, a community-wide one. There cannot be balance without community. The older I get, the more I learn that kinship, to be in relationship with myself, with those around me, with the ecosystem I am part of, is essential. It can take a lot of healing and work to be in authentic kinship, but it’s so worth it because what else is there? What could possibly be queerer in this world right now than centering the web of relationships that keeps us connected to one another and to this life itself? What is liberation if not the work of love, everyday, including love for ourselves because we too are not separate from the world? What is love if not liberation for each and everyone of us? We were never meant to carry the weight of the world alone.

Upcoming events and projects

I am honored to have been invited to present the final keynote for the virtual Fifth Annual Minnesota Mobile Mental Health Crisis Response Unit. The theme of this year’s conference is: Compassion. Connection. Community. On August 7th, I will give an online keynote on From self-care to community care: cultivating compassion for ourselves and each other in crisis. You can find out more about the event and register, if you like, here.

In-person training on October 5th, 2024 (masks required) on the territories of the Multnomah, Wasco, Cowlitz, Kathlamet, Clackamas, Bands of Chinook, Tualatin, Kalapuya, Molalla, and many other tribal nations who made their homes along the Columbia River, currently known as Portland, Oregon (USA). This is an AASECT-approved training for therapists, counselors, and coaches hosted by Connective Therapy Collective on Working Systemically with Mixed-Orientation Relationships. You can register here! If you would like me to do something else in that geographical area, now it’s a good time to let me know and ask! Thank you.

A SAR on October 22nd and 23rd, 2024 & an Advanced SAR on Kink on October 27th and 28th, 2024. Online registration & full details on both SARs can be found at: bit.ly/SARHalifax Both will provide AASECT CEs!
A Working with Neurodivergent Clients from a Disability Justice Centered Perspective workshop on October 20th, 2024. You can find out more and register at: bit.ly/NDHalifax

I have two more books in the works and some other exciting projects I am brewing so watch this space! I’ve also been interviewed by a couple of podcasts and I look forward to sharing these links once the episodes are out. In the meantime, have you listened to the latest episodes of my podcast Gender Stories? It’s available wherever you listen to podcasts, including on YouTube now!

Let’s support each other!

Remember: we keep each other safe, healthy and creative!

Sadly the remnants of Hurricane Beryl hit Vermont again this July and two dear friends lost their home and all their belongings, alongside 12 other humans and 5 cats who also rented at the building called the Heartbreak Hotel. The small community of Plainfield (VT) where they live was greatly impacted and there are several fundraisers that have not yet reached their goal. You can find a list of those GoFundMe fundraisers here. Please donate and share if you can. Thank you!

I am thrilled that my friend and teacher, award-winning singer, percussionist and author, Alessandra Belloni, has been given a small grant by Casa Italiana Zereilli Marimo, at New York University, towards the cost of finally filming a documentary based on her best-selling book Healing Journeys with the Black Madonna (Inner Traditions | Bear and Company, 2019). However, the grant only covers part of the cost and she needs to fundraise the rest. Please donate if you can and share the fundraiser with your networks. Thank you! This work is so close to my heart as someone who was brought up with some of the devotional practices to the Black Madonna, especially the Black Madonna of Tindari. I traveled with Alessandra to Campania in 2022 and Sicilia in 2023 and both were transformative, healing experiences!

What I am exploring in my free time

Please note that none of these links are sponsored. If I ever advertise something as an affiliate, I will make it very clear! Thanks!

I am currently binge watching Seeking Sister Wife and I am finding it fascinating both as a family therapist and as a polyamorous person! In case you didn’t know, I love reality TV. Humans are my special interest after all!
As everything blooms around me, I am re-reading the wonderful zine Give The Gays Their Flowers. Flower Essences for Queer and Trans Liberation by my friend Courtney Mae Cochran, a wonderful local herbalist. It’s currently on sale and you can get a physical copy or a digital download here. I have always combined western medicine with herbal medicine given that the latter is also part of how I was brought up in Italy. I find flower essences to offer gentle yet clear support to my nervous system!
I am getting ready for my first ballroom dance showcase in September with one of my nesting partners. Not sure yet if I will feel ready by then, but our teacher has been drilling us on waltz (bronze 1) for some time! I love how inclusive and welcoming our studio, North Shore Ballroom, is (I know the pics on the website are a little cisheteronormative but the studio isn’t!)! I have danced in a number of styles since I was very young and I stopped taking classes eventually because I haven’t always felt welcome in dance spaces as a trans and queer person. It’s so healing to be able to get back into something I love so much and it’s a great motivator to keep going to physical therapy so I can keep dancing as long as my bodymind will let me. And in case you’re wondering, I dance as a follower, and I enjoy feeling like the genderqueer princess I am when I do!
If you made it this far, thank you! I hope you have found this interesting, useful or enjoyable in some way. If so, feel free to pass this on to a friend or, better yet, pass on the link to subscribe directly! Thank you for being here!
Let’s keep opening our hearts to one another (with consent and when it’s safe enough to do so) and transform our perspectives together!
Alex

Tristan Katz Creative 6/29/24 Tristan Katz Creative 6/29/24

Full Moon issue #3

Apologies for sending this newsletter out late! I was busy celebrating the Strawberry Full Moon, Summer Solstice and La Notte delle Streghe last week and decided to be kind to myself and get to this when I could. As always, please feel free to hit reply to connect with me directly. If there is a topic you would like me to address, or a question you’d like me to tackle in future newsletters, please let me know. This month’s reflection is, in fact, brought to you by a wonderful reader who sent me a kind email and a question. Read on to find out more. Thank you!

Hello wonderful people,

Reflection corner

On transformation, healing, connection and Pride.

I am grateful to have been sent this question, which I have consent to share with y’all, by one of my readers from Switzerland: “How can I stay in connection throughout my own healing and transformation”? They also added some more context about their situation and included this sentence, which really resonated for me: “It feels like I have lost and found myself at once”. I know that in my own journey I have often felt this way: lost and found at once. I have always been someone who questions norms and authority. I am not sure if it’s because of my own neurospiciness, or because of being brought up by a (likely neurospicy) father who was a card-carrying communist, labor organizer and teacher. Regardless of the reason, I have had a tendency to question, pull apart, unpack and rebuild my life, identities, relationships and communities in a number of ways over the past five decades,

In this process, I often feel the tension between different parts of myself, the needs and wants of others, the influence of popular culture, the desire to belong and the confusion thrown in by my own trauma history. There are reasons why I have the words “paradox” and “discernment” tattooed on my forearms! While this tension can be incredibly creative and generative at times, it can also be hard, painful and, quite frankly, tiring. There are days when I want nothing more than to live outside of the liminal. I want the comfort of certainty, of truth, of simple binaries and easy answers. This comfort probably doesn’t exist for many people but it sure is a nice fantasy when the world feels heavy. For example, this month Pride is celebrated in many places, given that the anniversary of the Stonewall riots is on June 28th and I have been reflecting on my own queerness as well as where we are right now as a community as global fascism continues to rise. I remember my very first Pride march in London in 1998. I was so excited and scared at once. Coming out is never a one-time event, but rather a never-ending series of disclosures and choices, taking chances, risking relationships and communities. I remember being afraid of losing everything when I started to realize my own queerness in the mid 1990s. I didn’t know if I would lose my family of origin or friends. I knew I would lose the religion that had been my lifeboat until that point. There were so many unknowns, and so much fear, but I also knew that I couldn’t ignore these parts of myself that were demanding attention and care. That first Pride march was my declaration of independence from my past. As I lost myself in the crowd emerging from the tube into the busy streets of London, I felt part of something larger and bigger than me. I realized that this too was church, this too was spirit. I was lost to my past but I was also found in the present. Ancestors were walking alongside us. I didn’t know almost anyone but I wasn’t alone. I was part of this beautiful, loud, angry, protesting, loving, joyful river of queerness snaking and shaking along. In that moment I knew in my bones that, no matter what, I wouldn’t be alone, even if everyone I had known were to turn away from me.

Connection is a tricky thing. I know that, as a human, and especially an autistic person, I yearn and long for it. Every culture generally has rituals of connection around food, music, dance and rites of passage. Those are ways in which we heal, connect and transform. So why is it tricky? Because we cannot connect alone. We are only one piece of the connection. We don’t know if others are going to be available for the vulnerability and intimacy of connection, even the fleeting connection of a moment of authentic presence between strangers. We also live in dominant cultures that generally do not encourage connection. Feeling isolated and unhappy makes us better consumers under capitalism after all! Happy, connected people who feel belonging just don’t tend to buy as much stuff, and they can even share resources with one another! It would make sense that many of us might feel lost and afraid of losing connection with those around us, as we unpack and challenge beliefs, ideas and identities that we inherited and absorbed from others (e.g., family, culture, language, place, religion and so on). I honestly don’t know if there is a way of avoiding this. Transformation is always a risk. Does the caterpillar know they will become a butterfly, or do they just feel like they are dying when they become a pupa? I know there have been times when I have felt like parts of me were dying, but often they were just being composted to nurture new, more expansive selves.

Transformation and healing are not pretty processes. When we go from one shape to a different one, it’s uncomfortable. If we were physically shapeshifting our bones and sinews would break to reknit into a new being. Transformation is a form of shapeshifting. It’s a change that requires breaking of patterns, habits, thoughts, feelings and ways of being that are no longer compatible with who we are as we heal and change. Healing can entail cleaning up wounds from the past that might need to be opened up once more to remove any debris trapped underneath the surface. Don’t get me wrong, we need transformation and healing. They are essential to growth and to being able to connect with ourselves and others. However, if we are not bypassing the magic of this work, healing and transformation are not a walk in the park on a sunny yet breezy and pleasantly cool day. At least in my experience, since, as always, your experience might be completely different from mine, and that is more than ok! They can also feel like lonely, internal processes, especially in dominant cultures where healing has been medicalized and individualized. When we transform into what dominant cultures have cast as the monsters in our community, it can be even scarier. I came of age as an adolescent during the beginning of the AIDS epidemic. Having sex outside of heterosexual marriage, let alone same gender sex, or doing drugs, were depicted as equal to a death sentence. No wonder it took me a moment (or three) to come out as bisexual and then trans! What do you do when you find out you’ve been the monster under the bed all along? If we’re lucky, we find out that there are communities of beautiful shapeshifters, and that there is a whole world underneath that bed to explore!

I’m not sure whether I have answered the question at all in this reflection. I guess that what I am trying to say is that it’s ok to be lost and found at the same time, to feel disconnected to the old yet connected to something new, even if we might not be sure what that something is yet. Personally, I have found that staying as vulnerable as I am able, willing to heal and be transformed by life, has helped me stay connected, even though sometimes I still feel incredibly alone. My own experience tells me that feeling alone is a lie told by trauma. When I am available for connection, life is right there waiting for me. I remember my beloved friend Copper, who died four years ago yesterday, talking about how green bloods and the sun and the sky are right there, waiting for us to recognize our inevitable belonging and connection. I know that often I am the one who is closed off to the reality of the erotic pulsing of life coursing through my veins just as easily as the sap that runs through the beloved birch trees around where I live. As Mary Oliver writes in one of my favorite poems, “Wild Geese”:

“Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting-

over and over announcing your place

in the family of things.”.

How can we stay in connection throughout our own healing and transformation then? Maybe an answer is that there is simply no way not to. By virtue of existing, of being part of nature, we are in kinship, in all our pain, beauty, struggle, and queerness.

Happy Pride beloveds! Until we are all free…

Upcoming events and projects

The in-person training events (masks required) on Mi'kmaq’s territories, currently known as Nova Scotia (Canada) have been moved to the Fall! Please note the new dates below. Thanks!

A SAR on October 22nd and 23rd, 2024 & an Advanced SAR on Kink on October 27th and 28th, 2024. Online registration & full details on both SARs can be found at: bit.ly/SARHalifax Both will provide AASECT CEs!
A “Working with Neurodivergent Clients from a Disability Justice Centered Perspective” workshop on October 20th, 2024. You can find out more and register at: bit.ly/NDHalifax

In-person training on October 5th, 2024 (masks required) on the territories of the Multnomah, Wasco, Cowlitz, Kathlamet, Clackamas, Bands of Chinook, Tualatin, Kalapuya, Molalla, and many other tribal nations who made their homes along the Columbia River, currently known as Portland, Oregon (USA). This is an AASECT-approved training for therapists, counselors, and coaches hosted by Connective Therapy Collective on “Working Systemically with Mixed-Orientation Relationships”. You can register here! If you would like me to do something else in that geographical area, now it’s a good time to let me know and ask! Thank you.

The in-person relational intensive for couples &/or polycules on Abenaki territories, currently known as Stowe, Vermont (USA) has been postponed. However, you can follow @edginghearts on Instagram or email at info@edginghearts.com for more information on how to apply when the time comes. Natalia Holubec and I want to take the time we need to develop this first offering fully and make sure it is a transformative and joyful experience for participants!

The book MJ Barker and I finished co-writing last summer, “How To Understand Your Relationships: a practical guide” will be published by Jessica Kingsley Publishers (JKP) on January 21st, 2025. The anthology I edited (and have 1 piece in) “Trans and Disabled” should also be published by JKP at that time!

Let’s support each other!

Remember: we keep each other safe, healthy and creative!

Operation Olive Branch is a grassroots movement to support & amplify aid requests of Palestinian families. They have a very useful spreadsheet with all sorts of opportunities to help! If you have been wondering about how to support people in Palestine during this time, this could be the resource you have been looking for! Please note that the spreadsheet has many tabs and that it might take a moment to figure out how to navigate it. You can learn more about Operation Olive Branch at their linktree here.

I am grateful to my publisher, Jessica Kingsley, for agreeing to donate some books to the LGBT Books to Prisoners, a trans-affirming, racial justice-focused, prison abolitionist project. You can find out how to donate money and/or books here. Thanks!

What I am exploring in my free time

Please note that none of these links are sponsored. If I ever advertise something as an affiliate, I will make it very clear! Thanks!

I finally watched Bridgerton season 3 and I have to say that, for me, this was the best season yet! I don’t want to give away any spoilers but let’s just say that this season made my queer, polyamorous, feminist heart pretty happy!
Recently, I’ve also started rewatching Jessica Jones. Apparently my inner teen protector really wanted to watch a strong woman kick some a$$. CN: there is a lot of violence, including sexual assault, and depiction of PTSD symptoms in this series.
There is also a new season of Dr. Who out (yes, I do watch a lot of TV. It helps me relax & switch my ADHD brain off a little in the evenings). Ncuti Gatwa is the 15th and best Doctor yet in my humble opinion! This season also brought some great they/them moments! No spoilers though so that is all I’ll share.
I just started Summer Biz Camp with the wonderful Tristan Katz and Brooke Monaghan. If you know me, you know that business, marketing and similar are not my favorite topics. However, Tristan and Brooke make these topics not just bearable but possible for me to engage with by bringing a lens that is critical of systems power, privilege and oppression. I am so grateful for their work. They also have a podcast you can listen to!
Finally, I’ve been listening to a lot of Jovanotti and Michael Franti lately. They help me stay in touch with hope and get me moving and dancing every time!

Let’s keep opening our hearts to one another (with consent and when it’s safe enough to do so) and transform our perspectives together!

Alex

Tristan Katz Creative 5/23/24 Tristan Katz Creative 5/23/24

Full Moon issue #2

Welcome to the second issue of my Transforming Perspectives newsletter! Please feel free to hit reply to connect with me directly. If there is a topic you would like me to address, or a question you’d like me to tackle in future newsletters, please let me know! Thank you.

Hello wonderful people,

Reflection corner

Healing is not for the faint of heart, yet it’s for everyone: a paradox.

May is Mental Health Awareness Month, as well as Ehlers-Danlos Syndromes (EDS) and Hypermobility Spectrum Disorders (HSD) Awareness Month. When I was thinking about what I wanted to write for this newsletter, I found myself coming back to the idea of healing, again and again. Given that I am a mental health provider and systemic psychotherapist, this might come as no surprise. Of course I would think of healing! However, I am not just thinking of healing as a provider, I am also thinking of this process as someone who lives with cPTSD, lifelong, chronic suicidal ideation and, who is aging with hEDS (EDS of the hypermobile kind).

I believe that, far too often, we think of healing in a dichotomized way: those who need healing (clients, patients, seekers, traumatized people, sick people, etc.) and those who provide it (healers, providers, doctors, etc.). This way of thinking is not only steeped in colonial benevolence, white supremacy and patriarchy, but it’s also deeply harmful for all of us, in my opinion. It’s harmful because it perpetuates the illusion that healing is a destination, and a desirable one, rather than a process that is dynamic and relational. When we think of healing as the destination, aka “the goal”, we can often come to think of ourselves as broken, imperfect, not-yet-loveable, and we risk turning ourselves into a self-improvement project. If such a thing as “those who have healed and/or been cured” exists, and we don’t fall within those ranks, there must be something wrong with us. Maybe we’re not trying hard enough, or have not found the right diagnosis, or approach to “heal” us. These beliefs are not just internalized by those of us who struggle with chronic health issues, including mental health issues, but are also reflected in the way some people interact with us. Many of us who have chronic health struggles have experienced being asked whether we tried this type of exercise, food, supplement, therapeutic approach, healing modalities and so on.

Thinking of healing as a destination can also make us feel superior to others sometimes, if we feel we have “done our work”. If we have indeed put all these efforts into healing and we feel we have “arrived” at this mythical place, if something is not working in a relational dynamic at work or in our personal life, we might be tempted to blame it on others not being healed, or not having done enough or any “work”. What happens then when we think of healing as a process, and as all of us engaging in this process at some point or another in our life? Personally, as a disabled person who had the good fortune to be exposed to disability activism and scholarship for the past 30 years, I have learned that participating in healing is different than seeking a cure. As an aside, if you’re interested in an in-depth exploration of the concept of “cure”, I invite you to read Eli Clare’s award-winning book “Brilliant Imperfection: Grappling with Cure”. For me, learning that seeking a cure was different from healing was pivotal to radically accepting myself, and everyone else, as already whole. If we’re already whole though, why would we even need healing?

In an overculture that too often tells us how broken and imperfect we are, because capitalism thrives on us feeling like there is something missing that maybe the next book, medication, movement class or healing modality can fix, healing, for me, has meant coming back to myself as whole. In many ways, it’s a process of decolonizing my mind by refusing to believe that I’m inherently flawed or, within a Christian paradigm, sinful. If I accept myself as whole, I also accept that I am loveable and deserving of compassion and care, especially when I’m suffering. If I accept myself as whole, my bodymind can have the grace, slowness, spaciousness, and support we all deserve. If I accept myself as whole, I understand that I can both be hurt and hurt others, that I do have power and agency even though a part of me might still feel like a helpless child at times, because of trauma. If I accept myself as whole, I can be shameless, know and own all parts of myself, especially the “scary” ones, and I can extend that acceptance and compassion more easily to others as well.

This is an ongoing journey for me and I don’t think I will ever get to whatever destination I thought I might get to when I was in my 20s! In fact, cliché as it might be, it really is about the journey, and not the destination, when it comes to healing. I have also learned that healing is most definitely not for the faint of heart. For me, healing has also meant grieving what I had and lost, what I never had and what can never be. It has also meant accepting all parts of myself, my needs and desires, even when these are counter to what cultural, social, and familial norms dictated. Healing has shined a light on how I can be both hurt and hurtful, oppressed and oppressor. I have had to recognize that I can have a tendency to go to “fight” when I feel threatened, disrespected or ignored, because this is what enabled me to protect myself and get out of abusive situations in the past, and to advocate for myself with gaslighting medical providers. However, this tendency can sometimes be counter to showing up in integrity with my values with the people I love. Claiming my own power and agency has meant learning how to set boundaries, asking for what I want and need, and ultimately accepting that, fun as it is to blame others, I am ultimately responsible for how I show up in this world, and that is all that’s really in my control.

While I believe that healing is indeed a lifelong process that it’s not for the faint of heart, I also truly trust that everyone can choose to participate in it. It’s not an elitist club that only some people can access, or that only therapists or medical providers hold the keys for. Healing is ultimately a choice, but it’s a choice that we can only engage fully in with the support of others. My healing journey is simply not possible without ancestors who paved the way through scholarship, writing, making medicine, or leading liberation movements. I cannot undertake this journey alone because ultimately healing, for me, also means coming back to relationship, to kinship with myself, mystery (or spirit, if you like), the ecosystem I am part of, and community. If this journey seems impossible for you right now, it’s ok. There are times when it feels impossible for me too, and there have been moments when I have enthusiastically cursed insightful reflections from others! All I can say is that, so far, it has been worth it. No matter how arduous it has been, or where it has taken me, this journey is leading me back to a deep sense of belonging I never thought was possible. Whatever your healing journey might be, I hope you find connection, support and belonging in it too.

Upcoming events and projects

The Virtual Keynote on “Disability Justice Principles and Neurodivergent Affirming Care in Systemic Practice” I gave for Antioch University’s CFT Programs 3rd Annual Virtual Research and Professional Conference on Wednesday, May 1st, 2024 was recorded and is available to anyone who would like to view it here (make sure you scroll down the page to see it). Feel free to let me know what you think!

Tabling with one of my partners and podcast producer, Root Holden, for my podcast Gender Stories (and maybe doing a live episode too!) at our local Trans Joy Fest in Duluth on June 9th, 2024. Come and say hello!

Four in-person training events (masks required) on Mi'kmaq’s territories, currently known as Nova Scotia (Canada):

A SAR on July 6-7, 2024 & an Advanced SAR on Kink on July 13-14, 2024. Online registration & full details on both SARs can be found at: bit.ly/SARHalifax
A “Working with Neurodivergent Clients from a Disability Justice Centered Perspective” workshop on July 11th, 2024. You can find out more and register at: bit.ly/NDHalifax

Thank you to the Queer and Trans Therapists of Nova Scotia (QTTNS) for hosting me and inviting me to do this! I have not done an in-person SAR, besides the advanced SAR at AASECT last year, since before the pandemic and this is the only SAR I have planned for this year! These SAR events are very affordable, compared to usual pricing, so I hope you will not miss them!

In-person training on October 5th, 2024 (masks required) on the territories of the Multnomah, Wasco, Cowlitz, Kathlamet, Clackamas, Bands of Chinook, Tualatin, Kalapuya, Molalla, and many other tribal nations who made their homes along the Columbia River, currently known as Portland, Oregon (USA). This is an AASECT-approved training for therapists, counselors, and coaches hosted by Connective Therapy Collective on “Working Systemically with Mixed-Orientation Relationships”. Watch this space or follow me on instagram for registration details coming soon. If you would like me to do something else in that geographical area, now it’s a good time to let me know and ask! Thank you.

An in-person relational intensive for couples &/or polycules on Abenaki territories, currently known as Stowe, Vermont (USA). This will take place on November 7-10, 2024 at the beautiful Sterling Forest retreat center, through my very new joint venture “Edging Hearts” with one of my partners, Natalia Holubec, LMFT. Follow us @edginghearts on Instagram or email us at info@edginghearts.com for more information on how to apply.

I have two more books in the works and some other exciting projects I am brewing so watch this space!

Let’s support each other!

Remember: we keep each other safe, healthy and creative!

My fierce, sweet, and insightful friend Owen Marciano is having a membership drive for their business, Nonna Terra (Radical Tarot Readings & Spiritual Support), through June 1st. If you join their Patreon by June 1st, you can get 10 free minutes towards your next reading or a gift for someone. You can, of course, still join their Patreon after June 1st too! I have had several readings from Owen over the years and they are always incredibly powerful, magical and brimming with insights.

Angela Callais could still use your support please! She is a wonderful therapist, committed activist, skilled birth/postpartum doula, caring community member, loving mother, friend, and healer. I’ve known Angela for several years and, lately, she has had impactful and significant health issues, with the most recent one being a double cancer diagnosis. I understand all too well what it’s like to work for yourself in a country with no universal health coverage. It’s scary! Angela has recently found out that she had to have another operation this week, which will mean more time not working. Please support her fundraiser by donating and/or spreading the word with your networks, thank you: https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-angela-through-surgeries-cancer-and-full-recovery

Tay could also still use your support please! He is a Black, queer, disabled trans man who I first met when the Trans Youth Support Network existed in the Twin Cities. Tay has been facing various challenges, including being currently homeless and unable to work due to various health issues. He is applying for SSDI but, as many of you know, this is not an easy or accessible process. He could really use community support right now. His Venmo is @Tee-Crosby and CashApp is $TCaples Please help if you can and/or ask your networks. If you are able to provide ongoing support, that would be welcome as well!

What I am exploring in my free time

Please note that none of these links are sponsored. If I ever advertise something as an affiliate, I will make it very clear! Thanks!

Grey’s Anatomy and Station 19 have been back since earlier this year for seasons 20 and 7 respectively. A few years back, my daughter really got into these shows as well, and we have been watching new episodes together since. We even have matching Grey Sloan sweatshirts! Unfortunately now she’s at college, it means we need to find a time when we’re both available to watch them! I’m ok with this being my biggest parenting struggle right now, LOL What TV shows are you watching right now? I’d love to know!
I admit that I am a sucker for romance (not a surprise to anyone who knows me, I’m sure). This week I’ve been reading “The Letters We Keep” by Nisha Sharma and I’m finding it quite charming. There is something comforting for me in romance books (and cooking murder mysteries as well). When work, life or pain levels feel overwhelming, it feels good to have some sweet go-to things. What are your comfort reads?

If you made it this far, thank you! I hope you have found this interesting, useful or enjoyable in some way. If so, feel free to pass this on to a friend! Thank you for being here!

Let’s keep opening our hearts to one another (with consent and when it’s safe enough to do so) and transform our perspectives together!

Alex

Tristan Katz Creative 4/23/24 Tristan Katz Creative 4/23/24

Full Moon issue #1

Alex Iantaffi here! Sorry if you haven’t heard from me in a little while. I have been wanting to get a regular email-based newsletter going for a few years now, and the time has finally come! If you are not interested in receiving this, please feel free to unsubscribe with the option at the bottom of this email. Of course, you can do this at any time, so I hope you choose to stay for a little while to evaluate whether my e-newsletter is a good fit for you. First of all, what can you expect from this e-newsletter (do people still add e- for electronic in front of things? #FeelingOld)?

Hello wonderful people,

It will be sent monthly, around the full moon;
It will contain the following sections:
- A vulnerable- and hopefully helpful- themed reflection on whatever has been on my mind;
- Upcoming events, trainings and projects I’m involved in;
- A “let’s support each other” section lifting up 3-4 people and/or organizations I am donating to, and that I invite you to also donate to or spread the word about (we need each other more than ever, right?!);
- A “what I am exploring in my free time” section. This might be about a new app I am trying out, or something I am reading, a podcast I am listening to or a TV series I am binge watching.
It’s an open invitation to engage with me and my content. I would love to know what is helpful, what is not, what you would like more or less of. You can reach out directly to me at alex@alexiantaffi.com to let me know all that or if you would like to collaborate in some way. Thanks!

Now that I’ve told you about my plan, let’s get this party started! Welcome to my first e-newsletter, I will try to keep the next one shorter!

Reflection corner.

What am I doing?

On navigating neurocomplexity, disability, trauma & being a marginalized person when trying to create content in this world.

What am I doing is a question I ask myself multiple times a day. Sometimes I ask myself that question because of ADHD. I started doing something, got distracted, and now I am trying to remember what I was going to do when I first got on my laptop or picked the phone up. Sometimes I ask myself that question to manage the distress of navigating a neurotypical world as an AuDHDer (someone who has both autism and ADHD). Maybe I am overwhelmed or I’m experiencing competing needs, so I ask myself that question to refocus. What am I doing right now? What is important and what feels urgent, and are they the same thing or not? I might break a task up to identify the first, smallest move towards initiating it, and then coach myself out loud through the task, if nobody else is around or if I’m around people who understand what I’m doing when I mumble to myself. I might also ask myself that question when I am experiencing brain fog, or when I am in a lot of pain because tracking during a flare up is always harder, or because I’m worried about being visible as a trans, queer, disabled, immigrant, polyamourous, witchy person in this world.

When preparing to write this first newsletter, I asked myself this question multiple times, for quite some time. What am I doing? What am I focusing on? What do I have to offer? Is this even the right time to do this, given the multiple genocides, wars and climate crisis? While the last question is very legitimate and ongoing, the previous ones were more about imposter’s syndrome. Something that many of us, especially if we have been marginalized, deal with. Of course one does not need to be marginalized to experience these imposter’s syndrome fueled thoughts. However being marginalized often means that we have experienced a lifetime, up to this point in our lives, of being often told that we’re not good enough, don’t fit in, don’t belong or should not be sharing more about ourselves and/or our perspectives. In fact, we’re often subjected to these messages every day, in a number of implicit ways within the overculture. Asking ourselves this kind of “what am I doing” question then, it's less than helpful at times and can even lead to freeze and inaction. I know it did for me, so much so, that it has taken me years to get this first issue of my monthly newsletter out!

Just like many other things though, the question “what am I doing?” is not good or bad in itself (almost like life isn’t binary, hmmm). I know that asking myself this question is incredibly supportive at times and, at other times, it can fuel shame and fear instead. Eventually, after looking at this question from many angles, when thinking about what kind of newsletter I wanted to send out into the world, more supportive answers started to flow - after dealing with all the less supportive thoughts first, of course! The simplest answer that emerged is that I am answering questions that I have been asked many times in my work: do you have a newsletter? Where can I find out more about your work? I want to learn more from you, where can I subscribe? I might have had to wade through fear of visibility, insecurities and self-doubts, but the answer was there all along. It was why I had the idea in the first place. People had been asking me. I’m doing this, just as I do many other things, because it’s at the intersection of what people in my communities seem to be asking for, and what I can and want to offer. It’s not up to me to judge whether this newsletter is helpful or not, good or not… Would the answers be even that binary anyway? It’s up to you, the readers, to decide what to keep and what to leave. So this is what I am doing. I am showing up as vulnerably and as authentically as I can. I am bringing my transparent process around healing, creativity and the magic of everyday life. I am doing what I strive to do in every area of my life. I’d love to hear what you’re doing in your life that might be scary, vulnerable, overdue or simply needed. If you would like to share, feel free to drop me an email at alex@alexiantaffi.com

Upcoming events and projects.

Virtual Keynote on “Disability Justice Principles and Neurodivergent Affirming Care in Systemic Practice” for Antioch University’s CFT Programs 3rd Annual Virtual Research and Professional Conference on Wednesday, May 1st, 2024.

Four in-person training events (masks required) on Mi'kmaq’s territories, currently known as Nova Scotia (Canada):

A SAR on July 6-7, 2024.
A community event at award-winning sex shop and bookstore Venus Envy (probably on disability and sexuality) on July 10th, 2024.
A “Working with Neurodivergent Clients from a Disability Justice Centered Perspective” workshop on July 11th, 2024.
An Advanced SAR on Kink on July 13-14, 2024.

Thank you to the Queer and Trans Therapists of Nova Scotia (QTTNS) for hosting me and inviting me to do this! I have not done an in-person SAR, besides the advanced SAR on nonmonogamies at the AASECT conference last year, since before the pandemic. This is the only SAR I have planned for this year! I will let you know when registration is open and, if you would like this information before the next newsletter, follow me on Instagram @xtaffi since I will post details there too!

In-person training on October 5th, 2024 (masks required) on the territories of the Multnomah, Wasco, Cowlitz, Kathlamet, Clackamas, Bands of Chinook, Tualatin, Kalapuya, Molalla, and many other tribal nations who made their homes along the Columbia River, currently known as Portland, Oregon (USA). This is an AASECT-approved training for therapists, counselors, and coaches hosted by Connective Therapy Collective on “Working Systemically with Mixed-Orientation Relationships”. Watch this space or follow me on Instagram @xtaffi for registration details. It was supposed to happen this month but I sadly got COVID, so we had to postpone. If you would like me to do something else in that geographical area in early October, now it’s a good time to let me know and ask! Thank you.

The book MJ Barker and I finished co-writing last summer, How To Understand Your Relationships: a practical guide, will be published by Jessica Kingsley Publishers (JKP) on January 21st, 2025. The anthology I edited (and have a piece in), Trans and Disabled, should also be published by JKP at that time!

I have two more books in the works and some other exciting projects I am brewing so watch this space!

Would you like me to do an event at your local, independent bookstore or hire me to speak somewhere? Please contact me directly or check out my website for more information: alexiantaffi.com Thanks!

Let’s support each other!

I have four lovely people who could use your support for different reasons. Remember: we keep each other safe, healthy and creative!

Angela Callais is a wonderful therapist, committed activist, skilled birth/postpartum doula, caring community member, loving mother, friend, and healer. I’ve known Angela for several years and, lately, she has had impactful and significant health issues, with the most recent one being a double cancer diagnosis. I understand all too well what it’s like to work for yourself in a country with no universal health coverage. It’s scary! Angela has recently found out that she had to have another operation this week, which will mean more time not working. Please support her fundraiser by donating and/or spreading the word with your networks, thank you: https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-angela-through-surgeries-cancer-and-full-recovery

Tay is a Black, queer, disabled trans man who I first met when the Trans Youth Support Network still existed in the Twin Cities. Tay has been facing various challenges, including being currently homeless and unable to work due to various health issues. He is applying for SSDI but, as many of you know, this is not an easy or accessible process. He could really use community support right now. His Venmo is @Tee-Crosby and his Cash App is $TCaples Please help if you can and/or ask your networks. Thank you. If you are able to provide ongoing support, that would be welcome as well!

Atlas Oggún Phoenix is a new, wonderful friend I met when being a guest on the GenderMeowster podcast. They are fundraising to produce their film, Beautiful Boi. They are an amazing artist and have some grants for this project already but need additional funds to turn this into a sustainable reality. Please support Phoenix by donating and/or spreading the word with your networks about their fundraiser, thank you. You can also see their trailer on the fundraising page: https://www.gofundme.com/f/beautiful-boi-documentary

Last but not least, for this newsletter, my friend horizon, another wonderful therapist, is helping their friend Maryam raise money to help a family leave Rafah to get to safety. This from horizon’s email: “Maryam taught me it costs about $5000-$8000 per person to leave Rafah through Egypt. You can see some of their story and humanity on my Instagram story @villagewitchtherapy or @fatbabemagic. Please please contribute if you can and help Khaleel's family get to safety. This is a small and important action we can take among other important actions to demand a sustained ceasefire and humanitarian aid in Gaza. Please share this and spread the word. Liberation is community magic; we need each other.” Please donate and/or help us spread the word, thank you: https://www.gofundme.com/f/6fqsjk-emergency-help-me-evacuate-my-family-from-gaza

What I am exploring in my free time

Please note that none of these links are sponsored. If I ever advertise something as an affiliate, I will make it very clear! Thanks!

I’ve been enjoying the free version of the app ArtWorkOut now that I have an iPad. I am very much not a visual artist but I love coloring and I have always yearned to draw, even though I was told from a very young age that I’m very bad at it! I am trying to engage in a creative activity everyday and to explore things that were taken away from me by early and unnecessary criticism. So far, I love it. What is something you’ve always wanted to try but haven’t because you were told you were “bad at it”?
I’ve started playing drums!!! My dad was a drummer in his youth but gave his drums to my brother when we were younger, even though I was actively studying music (gender bias much, or simply lack of space in our tiny apartment since he didn't live with us, who knows?!). It’s obviously something I still have feelings about! Drums are an instrument I have always been drawn to, and I do play some hand drums, but being able to really go for it on my electronic drum set has been super fun and a great dopamine booster. One of the best birthday presents ever! What brings a good hit of dopamine in your life right now?
I’m re-reading Emma Goldman’s autobiography “Living My Life”. It had been a while since I first read it, and I am finding myself completely enthralled by her writing, and even more so by her life, once more. I’ve been thinking a lot about how we can imagine a new world when we’re constantly bogged down by trying to survive under capitalism, so this has been a good read to re-open my mind to possibility. We cannot co-create a liberated world if we cannot imagine it! How are you reigniting your imagination in service to liberation?
I have felt very grateful for TV while recovering from COVID this month. My brain was hit pretty hard by this bout, and all I could do was nap and watch TV for quite a while. I have binge watched The Fosters and, while it’s not a perfect show (because we’re humans and these don’t exist), it has been very enjoyable. I have been impressed with how they tackled sensitive and social justice issues in insightful and thoughtful ways. I am now getting into the spinoff Good Trouble. What are you watching or listening to in your downtime?

If you made it this far, thank you! I have written so much more than I thought I would and had such a wonderful time doing so. Thank you for being here. I hope you have found this interesting, useful or enjoyable in some way. Happy Full Moon!

Let’s keep opening our hearts to one another (with consent and when it’s safe enough to do so) and transform our perspectives together!

Alex