New Moon issue #13
Hello wonderful people,
I missed sending a newsletter at the last full moon so you get a new moon one instead!
New course announcement! While I finalize some programs for the Fall and Winter, I would like to share that my friend and colleague, Dr Sophia Graham of Love Uncommon, collaborated to create an asynchronous course on Mapping Your Relationship Ecosystem. As newsletter subscribers you also get a discount if you use the code mail25 if you choose to buy the course. You can find out more and register here. If you’re wondering what mapping your relationship ecosystem means, follow me on Instagram or subscribe to my YouTube channel since I will post a brief video talking about this course on Monday.
I cannot wait to share other collaborations soon since I have been doing a lot of planning, creating, and co-creating over the last few months! Thanks also to all of you who replied to my poll in the last newsletter, it was so helpful to learn what you might be more or less interested in.
I have also added recommendations for classes that other wonderful trans and queer folks are offering in the Let’s Support Each Other section of the newsletter so make sure you check those out! Our community is so wonderfully resourceful, creative, and supportive. Now more than ever we need to keep lifting one another up!
Here’s the agenda for what you will find in the rest of this email!
Reflection corner: nobody is coming to save us (but us)
Events and Projects
Let’s support each other: classes, fundraisers, and mutual aid requests
Some things I am exploring in my free time
May this New Moon be a fertile soil for our creativity, projects, seeds of hope, and resistance. We’re not alone, and we’re radiant!
Please, as always, read on and feel free to hit reply to let me know what you think, or what you’d like me to reflect on in future issues. Even when I do not manage to reply, please know I read them all eventually. Your questions, comments, and, above all, YOU are always welcome here.
Reflection corner
Nobody is coming to save us (but us)
A couple of weeks ago I saw the new Superman movie and I was pleasantly surprised in some ways, and sadly not in others. Don’t worry, I will not share any spoilers for those who haven’t seen it yet! One of the things I was pleasantly surprised about was the message that “no one needs to be the victim of one’s biography”, as George Kelly - founder of Personal Construct Psychology - would have said. There were other messages I really liked, including the power of the collective vs that of the individual, which we have seen in several superhero movies lately. However, I was troubled by the white saviorism that still seemed implied in some of the narrative, at least in my opinion. Sorry if I am being somewhat vague but, like I stated earlier in this paragraph, no spoilers! Overall I enjoyed the movie, and it also encouraged me to reflect further on something that has always given me pause, that is most Anglo folks’ apparent belief that systems will, ultimately, somehow work in service to justice and liberation, and that just a few “evil” people (hey Lex Luthor!) are responsible for the terrible things that happen every day.
I have witnessed this belief play out not just in movies, but on social media and in educational and therapeutic contexts too. First of all, let me say that, although I find this belief troubling and problematic, and I will explain why in a moment, I also have a lot of compassion for it. As a Gen Xer with a history of trauma, who found comfort and escape in fairy tales, superhero comic books and movies, and romantic books and movies, I deeply understand the yearning to be rescued. It has taken me a lot of inner work to dismantle the belief that if I just were pretty / good / patient [insert adjective of your choice here] enough, my savior would come, often in the form of a white knight, of course. Luckily, I also had enough critical thinking to know that this was a dangerous idea, and sadly life had to teach this to me a few times before I started approaching things differently.
Why is it dangerous, in my opinion? As someone with a history of early abuse, I saw how this belief in a fictional savior, set me up to idolize those who showed a minimum of kindness and care, and to yearn for their approval, rather than to notice how they might be taking advantage of my self-esteem issues, or even just be incompatible with my values or needs. It also dehumanized whomever was cast in that role since we're all fallible humans with our own needs, wants, and challenges. Most importantly, it centered this fantasy savior, and what I needed to do to be “worthy” of being saved, instead of encouraging trust in my own agency, power, consent, and choice.
As long as I centered trusting “the other”, whomever that happened to be, over my own self, I remained vulnerable to potential harm. The paradox is that, of course, trust is necessary in relationship building, as well as for personal growth, since often others can be a mirror showing us which parts of ourselves we’re still struggling to embrace with compassion and radical honesty. I don’t regret leading with vulnerability in my relationships, even though I might get hurt, and at times I did, but I do wish I had been able to meet myself sooner with as much trust, care, and compassion as I met others.
What does this all have to do with saviorism on a more systemic level though, especially in this moment? One of the things that has troubled me is witnessing this trust in larger systems over the experiences of those most impacted by said systems. For example, despite the fact that the so-called United States has always been a somewhat oligarchic country that centered the most rich and powerful white people while dehumanizing Indigenous people, as well as Black, Brown, and Immigrant people, many people here still believe we’re operating under democratic principles and that the constructs of “freedom” and “justice” are inherently “American”.
Every day I see (mostly white) people on social media being surprised at the horrors perpetrated by the current regime, while still believing in the same systems that uphold and deliver those actions. For example, I have had well-intentioned (I assume) white folks, including queer folks, argue that “ICE needs a warrant or a reason” to deport people, and that the people seized have “rights under the constitution”, even though anyone who has interfaced with this system knows that this is simply not true, for so many reasons I will not delve into here. I have also listened to people talk about police reform over abolition, while those most impacted have asked for abolition over and over, since it is hard to reform a system that was founded on the dehumanization of Indigenous and Black people to maintain, or even increase, the wealth and “safety” of white settlers. The examples could go on and on, but hopefully you get the gist of what I’m trying to say here.
One of the reasons why this troubles me is that I fear that, as long as we still believe and trust in systems that were never designed to enable us to thrive, and were always constructed to extract from and control our bodyminds, we’re not likely to put our energy into co-creating alternative, sustainable, interdependent webs of care. Even more so, it might be hard to even imagine such possibilities, if we’re so committed to the current systems within dominant culture. Instead, we might spend time policing each other, because carceral logic is deeply embedded in the fabric of this country, and arguing about which path is the “correct” one to get us out of this mess, rather than uplift one another as we experiment in a myriad of ways to resist what is currently happening and to imagine what nurturing collective liberation can look and feel like. I also believe that when we trust those systems so deeply, we become more prone to despair since they might seem unavoidable and inescapable. Finally, when we trust those systems over the experiences and wisdom of those most impacted by them, we continue to uphold white supremacy, anti-Blackness, racism, transphobia, cisgenderism, xenophobia, misogyny, ableism, sanism, queerphobia, and the ongoing settler colonial project and, by doing so, we keep perpetuating harm even though this is not our intention.
I invite you to take a deep breath, if you want to, especially if you’re noticing uncomfortable feelings rise. This is not a call out, to be clear, but rather a reminder that the work of liberation happens both internally and externally. If you have recognized yourselves as someone who does this, it’s ok. We’re born within a historical web of choices, under thunderous clouds heavy with the trauma of systemic oppression, and some of those beliefs were passed on from generation to generation. Sometimes we just need to recognize how to break the cycle. If that’s where you’re at, you might be asking yourselves, what do we do instead? That’s a great place to start and, honestly, as many of you know, I often shy away from “the” answers because how can one person have all of the answers? However, I do believe in weaving conversations and experiments together, in sharing what we know and what we’re learning.
Here are a few things that I am reminding myself of a lot nowadays, or doing, especially when a tinge of despair sneaks in, because times are challenging for sure (and nobody is denying that here).
Systems are working the way they were designed to, they’re just being more shameless and open about it. They are widening their impact to include people who have had some relative privilege until now.
I am not alone. None of us are alone. We’re part of a vast ecosystem and we have allies, not only in one another but also in ancestors, spirit (if that is something you connect with), green bloods and non-human animals.
I do not need to be saved by a fictional other because I have the power and agency to collaborate with real others in dreaming towards our collective liberation.
Systems of oppression benefit from us feeling powerless, alone, debilitated by their purposeful actions. I try to remember that I can discern between what I can and cannot control, then act accordingly.
This is a marathon, not a sprint, and I might never see the finish line personally, or better my finish line might come before the collective marathon is over, but I do not act just for my own benefit, but rather for the wellbeing of those who come after me, whether they end up being my biological descendents or not, and for the love I have for this good green earth and the ecosystem I am part of.
Rest is essential when I am exhausted and its purpose is to restore my capacity to show up in whichever ways I am capable of given the current realities of my bodymind.
Pleasure is sacred. Being embodied, present, and connected is the fuel that nourishes me so that I do not run on empty.
Creativity is rebellion in a dominant culture that prizes conformity and the commodification of our bodyminds.
I listen to my fears, then I choose what is possible at this moment, for me, knowing that this will likely change, and I imagine that many of us are doing the best we can with what we know and have.
I listen and learn from others, because we cannot resist alone.
These are some of the ways in which I try to resist the individual hero narrative, the fantasy that someone strong and powerful will lift me up into the sky, whipping me to safety in the midst of danger, whether in my personal life or our collective reality. Instead, I breathe, I do what I can with intention and purpose, and I remember that when we come together in solidarity is when we are the most powerful, when we become rivers, mountains, and unstoppable gales of change.
events and projects
I am so looking forward to being in conversation with the fabulous Stuart Getty, author of How To They/Them, for an event at Zenith, an independent bookstore in Duluth, Minnesota, on Thursday, August 28th. If you’re local, join us!
I will also be at Duluth Superior Pride on Saturday, August 29th, launching my new, local business, Pleasure & Belonging, an emerging space dedicated to embodied pleasure for every body. The website is still very barebones but wanted to share the excitement of this new adventure. If you’re local, come and say hi, get a sticker, a fruit snack, and a warm hello. I will also have my books and some fab stickers designed by my daughter for sale. At some point that day, I will also be dancing on stage with the wonderful friends from North Shore Ballroom! Come spend time with us!
Alongside some great Portland colleagues, I am organizing a week-long sex therapy training in person from November 12th-19th, 2025. There will be a Foundational SAR, co-facilitated by the wonderful Anne Mauro and I, an Advanced SAR on Trans Sex, co-facilitated with the fabulous Lucie Fielding, and a weekend of trainings, networking and community in between the two, including a Somatic Sexuality Sunday. Registration for this event is limited and will open on August 27th on our website, which it’s being finalized as I write this!
While on the West Coast, I will be doing some book events! I will be at Always Here in Portland on November 16th with Lucie Fielding and then with Lucie again for an event in Seattle at Charlie’s Queer Books on November 21st, and one by myself (so far!) also in Seattle at Elliott Bay Book Company on November 24th. Links for the last two will be included in future newsletter when available.
I have started recording new episodes of my now seven-years old podcast Gender Stories and I will start releasing those starting in September! Subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts not to miss new episodes, if you haven’t done so already. I promise those are conversations with amazing folks and not to be missed!
I also launched a little YouTube series called Warm Take Wednesdays with Dr Alex Iantaffi. You can watch the second episode here, or listen to it wherever you listen to podcasts! This one is on why we need to talk about whiteness and I unpack a few characteristics of white supremacy culture.
Want me to speak about a particular topic on the new YouTube series or my old podcast, please let me know!
My process of mapping out my commitments is ongoing and dynamic, so if you want to collaborate or bring me to your community, please let me know!
Would you like me to do an event at your local, independent bookstore or hire me to speak somewhere? Please contact me directly for bookstore events or media queries, hire me through this speakers bureau for speaking events, or check out my website for more information on speaking engagements alexiantaffi.com, or email me at admin@alexiantaffi.com Thanks!
Let’s support each other!
Remember: we keep each other safe, healthy and creative!
There are some fabulous classes being offered by amazing trans, nonbinary &/or gender expansive facilitators I know. Here are a few that are starting soon!
Eli Lawliet (aka The Gender Doula) is running another round of their magical journey Snake Medicine.
My wonderful friend Courtney, who is already an amazing herbalist, is planning to expand the queer healing services they provide by pursuing further training as a bodyworker and acupuncturist. However, learning is expensive and us trans, nonbinary & gender expansive folks are often underemployed and underappreciated. Can you please support their fundraiser to help them with school costs? We need queer healing spaces and providers more than ever! Let’s show love and support to a community member who gives generously of their time, knowledge, and skills. Thank you!
My beloved friend Billy Navarro Jr is STILL 26% short of making their goal, even after reducing the total amount of the fundraiser. Can we please help them get through that finish line community?! He’s one of the most generous people I know and gives so much to the community, especially children and young people. I hope we can show up for Billy as he keeps showing up for everyone around them everyday! Let’s bring the community love friends and help this fundraiser finally reach the goal!
If you’re starting to feel hopeless about the ongoing genocides, take some deep breaths, and refresh your commitment to care by donating to the Palestine’s Children Relief Fund or contribute to Project Rainbow Turtle, an Indigenous LGBTQ+ centered Mutual Aid Fund and Network, or just keep loudly reminding people that our struggles are not over until we’re all free!
If you feel moved to donate to trans-led organizations, given the ongoing rise of anti-trans rhetoric, legislation, and hate, check out the Transgender Law Center, which has several, amazing projects going, including an Action for Transformation Fund, as well as the Trans Justice Funding Project, which supports trans-led grassroots efforts in the so-called United States and US Territories.
Please let me know if there is a fundraiser, either personal or for an organization, that you would like me to lift up in this section! Thanks!
Some things I am exploring in my free time
Please note that none of these links are sponsored. If I ever advertise something as an affiliate, I will make it very clear! Thanks!
I have been enjoying taking more one-off writing workshops virtually with Tin House and they have been so incredibly helpful as I engage with multiple writing projects this year. It’s wonderful to be in writing community with people, even if just for 2-3 hours.
I am loving being in Eli Conley’s Queer Songwriter Circle. He’s an incredible teacher and facilitator who creates such an encouraging and supportive container for people and I so appreciate it! Check out his classes here. Maybe I will get brave and share one of my songs with y’all at some point.
I binge watched the show Building the Band and now I cannot stop listening to SZN4 (I am OBSESSED with how good they sound together) and I’m waiting eagerly for another season hopefully! I might even do a watch-along for my popcorns and perspectives this Fall if folks are into it!
Our family has also really enjoyed watching the latest season of Lego Masters. I am always so impressed by all the builders and so entertained by Will Arnett!
If you made it this far, thank you! I hope you have found this interesting, useful or enjoyable in some way. If so, feel free to pass this on to a friend or, better yet, pass on the link to subscribe directly! Thank you for being here!
Let’s keep opening our hearts to one another (with consent and when it’s safe enough to do so) and transform our perspectives together!
Alex