Full Moon issue #14
Hello wonderful people,
How are you right now? Seriously. I don't know about you but I am exhausted in ways that are hard to describe. I feel we're all trying to keep going under impossible circumstances. One of the things I keep reminding myself of, though, it's that many people have kept going under impossible circumstances for as long as the so-called United States has existed as a country, especially Indigenous people and Black people, to be specific. Reminding myself of this helps me remember that the system is working exactly as it was created and designed to do, while recognizing that it's also true that the volume has been turned up in the last few months. Both/and, like so many things in life. More in my reflections below on living with uncertainty. I just wanted to take a moment to say that you're not alone if you're struggling. I keep reminding myself of this, that we're not alone and to orient myself towards acts of solidarity and liberation, and to not just notice the hate and the harm. Both/and. We're not alone. Hate can only destroy so much because eventually it runs out of things and people to annihilate. Ultimately, I truly believe that the power of our collective imagination is far greater than hate and this can only lead us to creation and liberation. Please hold yourselves and each other gently. I know I am trying to do the same (and if I owe you an email response, please text me, because part of being kind to myself has meant not overextending my work hours and time sitting in front of this computer). Keep breathing, keep loving, keep creating. I am so glad you are here, in this world full of our wonder and dreams and desire for healing and collective liberation.
Here's the agenda for what you will find in this email!
Reflection corner: living with uncertainty
Events and Projects
Let's support each other: fundraisers and mutual aid requests
Some things I am enjoying in my free time
May this Full Moon and recent Lunar eclipse help us shed what no longer serves us. May we feel unburdened by the past as we move fully into presence. May we keep dreaming of liberation.
Please, as always, read on and feel free to hit reply to let me know what you think, or what you'd like me to reflect on in future issues. Even when I do not manage to reply, please know I read them all eventually. Your questions, comments, and, above all, YOU are always welcome here.
Reflection corner
Living with Uncertainty
(CN: mention of suicidal ideation, domestic, and systemic violence)
For as long as I can remember, I have believed that, as Octavia Butler wisely stated in Parable of the Sower, “the only lasting truth is change” and that, as she also wrote in the same book, “God is Change”, if they are anything, because nothing is immutable, and nothing lasts forever, so how could God / Spirit / Mystery not be Change? However, change is also incredibly hard, especially for those of us who are neurodivergent and/or traumatized. Change is full of transitions, which are challenging to say the least, and also of uncertainty. I have often been drawn to philosophies and/or spiritual practices that help us be with uncertainty, because even my own life didn't seem certain for a very long time, and sometimes I still struggle with being here, if I am truly overwhelmed. Please don't worry, I am ok and I have great support around me, but I chose to write this since today is World Suicide Prevention Day and I think too many of us are going around pretending to be ok while we're not, just because it's simply not always socially acceptable, especially for those of us who are helpers, healers, teachers, therapists, spiritual leaders, parents, organizers, and so on. Somehow we're supposed to know how to do this, but here I am, in my mid-50s and, personally, I am still not sure what I am doing. However, I am still here and I know what helps, sometimes, and when those things stop working, I know how to ask for support from those around me, just like I hope they will ask for support from me when they need it. We hold each other up, finding balance in the dance between us. None of us can do this life alone because we don't know what it's going to happen or come at us at any given moment. We cannot hold all this change by ourselves but, maybe, we can hold it together.
One of the reasons why I always felt that change was the only constant was being brought up in a home where my father was incredibly loving, caring, smart, protective, and funny, as well as incredibly volatile, manipulative, and violent. I have hesitated for a long time to write about him, even though he has been dead for 22 years now, because when I do, it impacts my whole family of origin. I still felt I owed a debt of silence, but I no longer do. This is my story too. I am not going to share much about my childhood in this reflection, but I will say that part of why my life didn't feel certain was because it truly wasn't. It's a miracle I am still here in many ways. Even when the physical blows and the abuse stopped coming, the harm had been internalized and, even after all these years, it can come back to haunt me as suicidal ideation, night terrors, and intense emotional dysregulation. For many of us who have experienced harm from those closest to us, especially those who were supposed to protect and keep us safe, the current political and sociocultural climates are not helping. Every morning I wake up thinking, what will have changed (and probably for the worse) overnight? I know I am not alone in experiencing this. While life has always been uncertain, right now I feel like I am living and building my dreams on quicksand. It could all be taken away in a moment. Truth is, though, that it always can. I remember being maybe 10-11 years old and thinking, I want to live so that if I died tomorrow, I'd have few to no regrets. I am grateful that I was brought up in a culture, especially by my Sicilian maternal grandmother, my nonna, where death was not only talked about, but also celebrated through ancestral veneration and special times like “Il Giorno dei Morti” (the Day of the Dead). Death wasn't scary, it was part of life. The only thing that was certain after being born was that one day we would die. It felt oddly comforting. It still does, even though now I want to live so much more than I did forty plus years ago, and there is grief and beauty in that too. Both/and, always balancing on the cusp of uncertainty. As long as we are alive, things can change. The only problem to which there is no remedy is death, as my nonna would say. I remind myself of that too when I wake up in the morning. I resist the urge to reach for social media apps and log into my Insight Timer instead to practice being here first. Whatever happened overnight can wait because, right now, I am here and that means that change is still possible because nothing is immutable, not even this moment in history.
It all sounds a little poetic, doesn't it? The truth though is that it's exhausting and hard. I don't want to wake up to more death, more hate, more gun violence, more calls for my communities to be erased, scapegoated, harmed, deported, denied access to essential healthcare, and dehumanized. I want certainty with all my heart, even though I know it's always temporary. I see other folks reach for hope through their desire for certainty too. The desire that a change in political leadership will fix everything, when I hope that we know it's going to take more than an election, and a new leader, to move closer to our collective liberation. The desire to find the system that will enable us to survive with more ease under capitalism. The desire for the perfect morning or evening routines, for the right spiritual practice, for the key that will somehow open the portal to a life where we don't feel so besieged by the certainty of impermanence. The desire to be right, or for someone to be right and show us the way. I digress though, and I've already written how nobody is coming to save us but us in the last newsletter, so maybe I am just repeating myself right now, just with different words.
Living with uncertainty is not easy but the only alternative is far too permanent, and I am finally no longer so ready for it, like I used to when I was younger, which leaves me with the only option to learn and practice how to do it, even though dreaming of escape is understandable at times. I could share practices that help me live with uncertainty, and if y'all are curious about it, let me know and I will gladly do so. Ironically enough, however, the thing that helps me the most is to remember what I have always known, and that is that even uncertainty cannot be permanent when change is the only constant. Right now, for example, I am in a very liminal space with the capacity of my bodymind and work, but that will keep changing and shifting because nothing stays the same forever. When I cannot see what's beyond the curve in the road, if I am lucky, I will get to a point of clarity when I can view what had been there all along. I just haven't gotten there yet. So I dance with uncertainty, the both/and, the known and the unknown, the clarity and the fog, the fatigue and the energy, the pain and the relief, the grief and the joy, the anger and the peace that is always there, hiding in the eye of the storm. One day, hopefully in the very distant future, because there is so much more I want to do, I will breathe my final kiss between earth and sky, and there will be no more uncertainty in this bodymind, at least for a moment, before the winds of change sweep me back home to be part of a much larger dance of constant change. Until then, I keep being grateful that somehow I am still here, learning to live with uncertainty alongside all of you.
events and projects
Dr Sophia Graham, of Love Uncommon, and I collaborated to create an asynchronous course on Mapping Your Relationship Ecosystem. As newsletter subscribers you also get a discount if you use the code mail25 if you choose to buy the course. You can find out more and register here. If you're wondering what mapping your relationship ecosystem means, follow me on Instagram or subscribe to my YouTube channel where I just posted a brief video recorded with Sophia to explain why you might want to map your relationship ecosystem and the benefits of doing so!
Alongside some great Portland colleagues, I am organizing a week-long sex therapy training in person from November 12th-19th, 2025. There will be a Foundational SAR, co-facilitated by the wonderful Anne Mauro and I, an Advanced SAR on Trans Sex, co-facilitated with the fabulous Lucie Fielding, and a weekend of trainings, networking and community in between the two, including a Somatic Sexuality Sunday. Registration for this event is limited and is now open on our website. We still have more details to add to the website, including some more bios, photos and descriptions for workshops on Saturday and Sunday but I assure you that it's going to be an amazing week of training and networking! I hope you might join us! You can sign up for the whole week and earn up to 38-40 AASECT CEs or sign up for just parts of it. While on the West Coast, I will be doing some book events! I will be at Always Here in Portland on November 16th with Lucie Fielding and then with Lucie again for an event in Seattle at Charlie's Queer Books on November 21st, and one by myself (so far!) also in Seattle at Elliott Bay Book Company on November 24th. Links for the last two will be included in future newsletters when available.
I have started recording new episodes of my now seven-years old podcast Gender Stories and I will start releasing those later this month! Subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts not to miss new episodes, if you haven't done so already. I promise those are conversations with amazing folks and not to be missed! For example, I have had some amazing conversations with Dean Spade, Roger Kuhn, Tristan Katz, Dulcinea Alex Pitagora, and Lucie Fielding and I had so much to talk about that there will be a double episode from our conversation, and there are so many more wonderful ones to come with folks like Mel Cassidy and Oumou Sylla. Please stay tuned!
I also launched a little YouTube series called Warm Take Wednesdays with Dr Alex Iantaffi. You can watch the third episode here, or listen to it wherever you listen to podcasts! This one is on gender ideology (and how cisgenderism is harmful as the dominant gender ideology in most Western cultures).
Want me to speak about a particular topic on the new YouTube series or my old podcast, please let me know!
My process of mapping out my commitments is ongoing and dynamic, so if you want to collaborate or bring me to your community, please let me know!
Would you like me to do an event at your local, independent bookstore or hire me to speak somewhere? Please contact me directly for bookstore events or media queries, hire me through this speakers bureau for speaking events, or check out my website for more information on speaking engagements alexiantaffi.com, or email me at admin@alexiantaffi.com Thanks!
Let’s support each other!
Remember: we keep each other safe, healthy and creative!
There are some fabulous classes being offered by amazing trans, nonbinary &/or gender expansive facilitators I know. Here are a few that are starting soon!
My teacher and friend Alessandra Belloni is fundraising again for I Giullari di Piazza, the wonderful non-profit that keeps the ancestral, healing, musical and dance traditions of Southern Italy alive across the Italian diaspora. She has been doing this with dedication and devotion for 45 years! Please donate and/or share as you are able. We need to help people keep ancestral traditions alive as well as to spread the protection of the Black Madonna on all of us who are marginalized right now.
My wonderful friend Courtney, who is already an amazing herbalist, is planning to expand the queer healing services they provide by pursuing further training as a bodyworker and acupuncturist. However, learning is expensive and us trans, nonbinary & gender expansive folks are often underemployed and underappreciated. Can you please support their fundraiser to help them with school costs? It still has 62% of the very modest goal to go! We need queer healing spaces and providers more than ever! Let's show love and support to a community member who gives generously of their time, knowledge, and skills. Thank you!
My beloved friend Billy Navarro Jr is STILL 26% short of making their goal, even after reducing the total amount of the fundraiser. Can we please help them get through that finish line community?! He's one of the most generous people I know and gives so much to the community, especially children and young people. I hope we can show up for Billy as he keeps showing up for everyone around them everyday! Let's bring the community love friends and help this fundraiser finally reach the goal!
If you're starting to feel hopeless about the ongoing genocides, take some deep breaths, and refresh your commitment to care by donating to the Palestine's Children Relief Fund or contribute to Project Rainbow Turtle, an Indigenous LGBTQ+ centered Mutual Aid Fund and Network, or just keep loudly reminding people that our struggles are not over until we're all free!
If you feel moved to donate to trans-led organizations, given the ongoing rise of anti-trans rhetoric, legislation, and hate, check out the Transgender Law Center, which has several, amazing projects going, including an Action for Transformation Fund, as well as the Trans Justice Funding Project, which supports trans-led grassroots efforts in the so-called United States and US Territories.
Please let me know if there is a fundraiser, either personal or for an organization, that you would like me to lift up in this section! Thanks!
Some things I am exploring in my free time
Please note that none of these links are sponsored. If I ever advertise something as an affiliate, I will make it very clear! Thanks!
I have been pleasantly surprised by how good the first season of Peacemaker was. I wasn't expecting it to address toxic masculinity and white supremacy in the ways it did! CN for very graphic violence, misogyny and racism though. I am now looking forward to watching season 2.
My nesting partners and I had fun watching the latest season of Wednesday as well. Jenna Ortega is, of course, magnificent as usual and there is a great moment in episode 5 where Gomez's commentary on cultural appropriation will make me smile forever more.
I have been writing a lot of poetry and made some collages too. I am really trying to dedicate time to creativity everyday, even if just for a few minutes. It's helping me find joy and center no matter what's happening around me. I hope you're finding ways to be creative too because the opposite of war it's not peace, it truly is creation, as Jonathan Larson wrote for Rent, one of my favorite musicals.
If you made it this far, thank you! I hope you have found this interesting, useful or enjoyable in some way. If so, feel free to pass this on to a friend or, better yet, pass on the link to subscribe directly! Thank you for being here!
Let’s keep opening our hearts to one another (with consent and when it’s safe enough to do so) and transform our perspectives together!
Alex